Howdy,
My wife wants joint accounts. We are a married couple in NY. I have been the sole breadwinner and we have a joint account, which I fund for all our living expenses, and two separate accounts that I fund with an allowance for each of us to spend for personal whatever-we-like stuff. My wife could have worked all these years but did not out of personal choice. I maintain a separate checking account and an investment account that is mine alone. Lately my spouse is asking for making all accounts joint. Initially spouse thought it was a trust issue, but I tried to communicate that it wasn’t. Now it may be more of a “i want to feel equal” question. From my perspective, I want to continue investing the money I earned as I see fit. I am funding our lifestyle as well as our personal allowances. How should I approach this?
Dear Husband,
The first thing I notice about your letter is not the issue with your wife wanting joint accounts but rather the resentment you have for her choice not to work Your frustration in this short paragraph is mentioned several times through your use of words like sole, I fund, I maintain, money I earned, as I see fit, I am funding the lifestyle. Since you are the one who is indeed doing all the work, it is fair for you to speak this way. However, your relationship does not come across as that of a loving couple nor a team. You use the word “I” ten times vs we, which you use only once.
TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE
Living in New York is expensive even for the rich. Since you have an investment account, I can deduce you are not starving. Yet, I am certain an additional income could be helpful to alleviate the weight. Have you ever discussed your financial plan as a couple before getting married? If yes, and this was the plan you both agreed to, how come you changed your mind? If not, then maybe you can schedule a visit with a financial advisor and discuss a plan beneficial for both of you and your future.
The other main issue to surface in your letter is the communication breakdown. You have not informed your wife you are unhappy with her not contributing to the work force. When she asked for a joint account, you never sat down and asked her why she needs that. The trust issue or the need for equality are all speculations on your behalf. These assumptions can easily be clarified with a direct conversation with your wife.
ASSESSMENT
It is obvious that you do not trust her with money. And no one can blame you for it. It is a different thing to spend money you earned vs. the money you did not. How has her spending habits beer? As far as I can see it, you have a few options.
- Ask directly your wife why she wants joint accounts.
- Give her access to the other checking account and have the bank set a limit of how much can be withdrawn without the need for both signatures weekly or monthly.
- Say no. You make this money, and you have the right to how and who spends it. If she has a problem with that, she can get a job and use her own money to fund her needs.
BEST OPTION
The best thing you can do, however, is to see a marriage counselor to help you establish healthy habits of communication. Most of your problems seem to stem from the lack of that and honesty with one another. If this is a union meant to last, then invest in its foundation, and remember there is a lot more in a marriage than finances. Tomorrow she could be your caretaker or you hers. There is sickness, disability, mental breakdown, loss of all material things. Do not lose yourself in small details.
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