Help!

We clash because, despite having the same goals (getting married and having children together), we have different outlooks and lifestyle. In short we have been together for 5 years, 2 of which in cohabitation. She comes from a difficult family situation (separated parents, lost home, etc.), and wants to live life day by day. I was raised in a family that has made love between husband and wife the real strength of the couple. Moreover, I have always been well economically, and I want the best for both of us.

The clash arose due to the fact that I was too aggressive in asking her to save the money she throws to buy cigarettes (she smokes more than 1 pack a day, and she smokes in the bathroom, although she knows it bothers me). That money could be useful for more rewarding things (buying a home, traveling, raising children, and even unexpected events in life).

I am an engineer, so I have a very square and rational mentality. She is from the South; she lives day by day, and does things instinctively at the cost of making mistakes. We are in love but clash a lot and we have come to no longer stand each other (it’s more her than me). Is it possible that love is not enough but a certain compatibility in the couple is also needed? Or can we learn to coexist with  therapy?

 

Dear Engineer,

Notwithstanding your good intentions for your girlfriend and your future, it is not hard to see why you are clashing with her. As I read your letter, the thing that stands out the most is how convinced you are that you are the one who knows what is best. She smokes. Sure, we all know it is better to quit firstly for health reasons, and secondly to invest the money differently. However, smokers have the right to do whatever they want with their body and their money. Just because you don’t like smoking, does not mean the entire world has to abide by your taste. She works, earns money and shares the household bills, so she has equal say in what goes and does not in the house. If she likes to smoke in the bathroom, she should do so without anyone bitching about it. If it bothers you, then go for a walk.

 

ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT?

You allege you are financially well off. Why do you then need her cigarette money to accomplish the goals you want for your future? I understand saving the cigarette money can be beneficial on the long run. But right now, you are not going to be able to buy a house or take a trip just from her quitting smoking. Regardless of how reasonable your intentions are, it is difficult to miss your controlling tendencies below the surface. You claim to have the money to make the moves for the future you want. Why not make them? You should not decide when she should quit or what she should save. As an adult, she gets to make those choices for herself. I would clash with you, too, if you were trying to parent me.

 

I do agree on you having a square mentality. And frankly I don’t see you as a rational being. What I see is a biased individual. Her being from the south has nothing to do with how she wants to live her life. We should stop blaming geography for our differences! The reality of things, here, is that she is different than you, and she has every right to be. Imagine if the roles were reversed. What would happen if she were the one to ask you to start smoking cigarettes, and stop making plans for tomorrow? I bet you would lose your mind. I can already hear you say, but what I want is good for the future. Yes, I agree. Yet, if she wants to live by trial and error, let her. You are trying to be in charge of everything, and it is just unfair.

IS THERE A FUTURE?

You ask if there is a way for the two of you to make it. I say only if you let her live her life freely. What I hope you will understand is that all smokers know it is a health hazard. They do it because they are addicted. Addiction is something that can take hold of someone’s life. She cannot just drop the habit because it bothers you. There will be a day when she will wake up, and not want to touch a cigarette again. Until then, you must decide whether you can live with a smoker or not. You decide if you want to accept her as she is, and build a future with the person she is now. Trying to morph her into your ideal partner will only make her clash with you more. As yourself if you want a project or a partner. The former requires management and the latter care. You have noticed she has come to resent you. This can change if you treat her as she should be: an adult. If you still want her in your life and future, accept her.

 

Good Luck.