My (30F) husband (30M) had an emotional affair and I am struggling to move on
My husband and I were together for several years before getting married, and I genuinely believed our relationship was built on a solid foundation of friendship and love. He was my best friend and I really couldn’t see myself being without him for the rest of my life.
When I fell pregnant, we were nervous but excited. I was told by several doctors that I couldn’t conceive naturally, so getting pregnant was a huge deal for me. And I had thought it was the same for my husband.
But towards the end of my pregnancy, my husband started becoming withdrawn. He had just started a new job that worked long hours, and I was aware it was stressful for him in a Covid environment, so I tried to make it easy for him and give him space and lessen the burden that this pregnancy appeared to be giving him.
After a few weeks on the new job, he became good friends with a female coworker. He would briefly mention her here and there in our conversations when I asked him about work, and I didn’t give it much thought. We’ve always had friends of the opposite sex and we both trust each other to keep things appropriate.
In my final month of pregnancy, the text messages began. From the second he stepped through the door, his phone would constantly go off. Literally every 5 seconds, he would get a notification. He would brush it off as work-related messages, and I had no reason to doubt him. He never hid his phone or acted suspiciously, but he always responded immediately to each text, often smiling as he did so.
As a result, I was largely ignored at home while he stared at his phone screen throughout the night. Checking his messages was the first thing he did when he woke up and the last thing he did before he fell asleep. Whenever I tried to engage him in conversation, he’d give me a grunt of acknowledgment, his eyes never leaving the screen, his fingers replying to the latest message.
There were a few times he would share something funny on his phone with me, and I would see these notifications popping up in real time. Always from his female coworker, always a message that didn’t sound work-related. I never looked invaded his privacy and looked through his phone, but I didn’t need to. Any messages I saw popping up were filled with cutesy nicknames and references to personal things. He’d quickly swipe away these notifications and pretend they weren’t there, but as soon as I moved away, he’d go back to respond.
When I gave birth, my husband took two weeks off to look after me. And he was great. He made sure I was fed, took care of all the chores, helped out with the baby whenever I needed some rest. But as soon as he had any downtime, he’d be right back on his phone. The messages never stopped.
As our baby boy grew and he achieved his mini milestones, I would always delight in sharing these moments with my husband. But anytime I pointed out something cute or new, the first thing he did was take a photo and send it to his coworker, continuing on with their conversation which was clearly no longer work related.
Over Christmas, I told my husband that I was really looking forward to relaxing at home, just the two of us and the baby. I was exhausted looking after our son by myself all day every day, and couldn’t wait to get some proper rest. But my husband insisted on inviting his coworker to our house for Christmas, and I was expected to cook for her and entertain her. That was the tipping point.
Four months of neglect that I had bottled up inside just exploded out. I told him how miserable he made me each night, how he had sidelined me for someone else, how he lavished attention to his coworker and barely gave me the time of day. I told him that he was having an emotional affair and I couldn’t stand it anymore.
To his credit, my husband was apologetic about the neglect. But he refused to admit that it was an emotional affair. Yes he talked about personal things, yes he constantly messaged her, yes he shared his happiness and frustrations with her, but no it wasn’t an affair. He didn’t have any physical feelings for this person, therefore I shouldn’t be labeling it as an affair. And how dare I accuse him of such things.
He refused to continue the conversation, and it became a long drawn out week of silence. I cried myself to sleep every night, wondering why I wasn’t good enough that my husband would find emotional comfort with someone else.
Eventually he opened up after I begged him to tell me why he found me so lacking that he chose to actively ignore me. His reason was that his coworker was fun to talk to, she gave him positive reinforcement all the time. In contrast, all I gave him was negativity and stress with the baby. He admitted that he watched me do pretty much all the work with the baby, and it was just easier to lose himself with someone else than to deal with the guilt of letting me raise our child by myself.
I was heartbroken. Here was my best friend of almost a decade telling me that he didn’t want to be there for the bad times, only the good. That I was a weight dragging him down.
It’s been almost a month and I’m still struggling to come to terms with it. I alternate between being angry and sad, almost always crying myself to sleep. I feel miserable, alone, unwanted and just so exhausted.
I can see my husband trying to make amends. He’s stopped texting her around me, but refused to set boundaries with his coworker for fear of creating a bad working relationship. He gives me a little more attention each day but it feels so forced, his moments of affection are guilt-ridden, and conversation is stilted.
He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore, so I will never get the closure I need. He’s suggested therapy for me, but it’s not something we can afford. If we keep going like this, divorce will become inevitable.
I may just be overreacting to a small situation, but I can’t stop feeling so horrible all the time. I’m so unhappy when he’s around, but just as unhappy when he’s not. Please reddit, how can I get over this emotional hurdle and move on?
Dear madam,
My jaw was on the floor throughout the entire time I was reading your query. The first thing I thought about when I got to the last sentence was: the temerity! Here you are, a woman with fertility issues, who was able to receive the beautiful blessing of life, without going through all the grueling medical process, then go through the body transformation, the hormonal changes and the pain that comes with it, and he has the audacity to complain about the lack of positive reinforcement? Have you had the chance to ask him who needed more encouragement and based on the obvious answer, then where is your support?
There is only one person who should be crying in that house, and it is the baby. Despite how hard this heartbreak is, you need to find strength. Strength to know he is only your best friend, not your life-source. Allow me to remind you this. You were, are and always will be whole. You existed and prospered long before he came into your life, which is what attracted him to you in the first place, and I have no doubt you can do it again.
First thing that needs to be established is self-respect. You must respect yourself enough to put your foot down and demand what you want. I do understand. You are a new mom. Perhaps you have resigned from you job to be a stay-at-home mom, maybe you never had the chance to build a career. However, I want you to trust me when I tell you it can be done. Easily! Have you ever heard of Real estate agents? It is a profession that requires less than $200.00 to be certified.
The number one priority, nevertheless, is your self-respect. He is behaving and doing this simply because he has already sized you and determined you would not do anything else but take it. The question you have to ask yourself is: does he know me better than I do, or is there a part of me he has yet to encounter? Perhaps, you do not know you have this power in you either, but how wonderful would it be if you were to both discover it at the same time?
This is not the time for despair. It is a time of courage. You have a beautiful blessing that needs you. Rise up. Do not forget you are a powerful being. You just gave light to life. You can do it again with your life. Give yourself what you deserve rather than the take what he gives you. Ralph Waldo Emerson stated “Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them”.
The only way for you to find peace is to seek it, but I am afraid you are still looking for him to be the one to provide it. It will not work. Understand that whenever you are ready to stop suffering, you can put a stop to it. You are the only one who is currently subjecting yourself to this pain, humiliation and degradation. He cannot do anything you won’t allow him to. When you are ready to draw the line, practice courage and demand respect by your actions, you will break the spell. Just remember, “even in the mud and scum of things, something always, always sings”.
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