Hi Woomen,

I’m 35 years old. I was engaged to my ex for 3 and a half years. For the past 4 months, I’ve been single. I made this decision because I felt the relationship became stagnant. Although I tried to talk to him, to spend more time together, and solve our problems, I saw him more and more distant. The only thing he could do was denigrate me, offend me and tell me that I was not enough. He wanted a girl who was always upbeat, and told me I was too quiet; He said he wants someone who “turned him like a sock “. Soon after, I discovered that for a while he was chatting with another girl.

I am out

I took courage and left him, I hoped that he would understand the importance of our relationship and call me back; instead, he only called and said I had no character; he said I was a coward to leave him, and that problems are not resolved in this way. It’s been 4 months. Since then, he harasses me with calls and messages; he realized that I’m the right person for him, so he asked me to marry him.

Don’t not know what to do, because I’m too angry. I do not trust him any more with regards to other women or regarding his attitude towards me, but it is also true that if I do not give him a chance he will never be able to show me what he says. I am torn. My heart says yes but my head no. My family members tell me to let him loose based on the things he said and how he treated me.

Dear Nida,

Thank you for reaching out to us. We are glad to be of help.

My first question to you is: what do YOU want?

You left your fiancée because the relationship was stagnant, since you have been engaged for three years. Did you feel your relationship was not evolving because you did not marry him right after the engagement? What topics of discussions did he refuse to address? What are the things you want to experience in your relationships? Are they joy, love, commitment, friendship…passion? I am just giving examples. Everyone has an idea of what they want to live with. What you are asking for is a decision. As professionals, we cannot make that for you. What I hope to be able to do is to provide you a different paradigm, so you can see things objectively.

Red flags

I do notice some concerning behaviors. Degrading someone, offending them, and telling them they are not enough is a cruel way of treating the one you claim love. It is sadistic. Often, it is also a sign of greater underlaying problems. If the answer to someone who asks you to spend more time with them is to tell them they are not worthy of it, why be with them at all? There are serious consequences for remaining in a place where a person daily strips you of your self-worth and self-esteem. I heard if you year a lie enough times it will sound like the truth.

The world is full of people who respect you, compliment you, uplift you and encourage you. The question then becomes, if you are to return to him, what are you exactly going back to? how will you know the relationship will not be stagnant. Additionally, while you were engaged, you discovered he was talking to another woman . Someone apparently upbeat and sensual. The person he would like you to be more like. But if this person is all that, why was he with you and not her?

Please baby, please

He is now chasing after you. Begging you to come back. He is accusing you of not being mature enough to discuss your problems, when all along that is what you were trying to do before the break-up. I am apprehensive of those who act on desperation and not rational choice. His promise to marry you if you return to him is predictable. It is a bait most men know will work when they run out of options, because 95% of women will fall for it. Would you like your proposal to be based on despair or love?

Significant change does not take place in four months. I do not believe your ex had an epiphany and is now a changed man. He is not any different then the guy you left. until he gets the help he needs to address his issues, you will be right back in a stagnant relationship. He will say and do everything he can to get his way. What happened in your case is that you took control of the situation. You put power back in your hands. With a simple action you were able to prove to him you indeed are valuable, so now he knows you are worth crying for, calling, begging and even marrying.

I know it is difficult to deal with a break up, especially after such a long time. See if you can find any help with some of the feelings you are experiencing here.

We wish you strength and clarity on your journey. We faithfully remain at your service.

Love,

The Woomen