Dear Woomen,

I am undecided. Should I stay or should I go?

Here is my situation … 9 beautiful months, full of love, positivity, growth and attention. Started in this world and nurtured as a child in its mother’s womb. But I lacked something: a clearer stance on his part. I wanted to be totally chosen as his woman. Unfortunately, he knew how to love others and never himself. A sun that illuminates the world but not itself.

With this question, said a little laughing, “Do you choose me?” I actually put in front of him the possibility of choosing himself before thinking of me.

From that moment on the crisis! He began to say things like “You deserve more… I’m not the man for you… I do not understand myself anymore.” He cries, cries, and cries. He claims he feels small and sees me as a giant.

I love you but…

He finally said he loves me but cannot continue dating me. There is now a painful gap between us. What should I be waiting for? Should I wait for him to find himself and come looking for me? What if I am not his choice?

I returned to my single life. At my house, there are still some of his clothes. I don’t know how to move on. It is absurd for me. All I keep thinking about is how much we could have grown together. He writes me every now and then. I believe he does so to keep me on the hook, but I do not know what is right to do for me and for this relationship. Is there still hope that we find ourselves on another level of love or do I have to let it burn?

I love him so much, and I chose him for his beautiful soul I have acknowledged. Not sure whether to tell him to come and get his last things from my place, completely unplug and leave him to his life or wait for him to come back to me…

Dear Anonymous,

It is hard for anyone to answer the questions “should I stay or should I go”. Your letter is missing a few details. How old are you both? Are you young adults or adults? What other underlying issues were there in the relationship? Based on your letter, we assumed you were living together at your place. Hopefully, you will get the chance to provide more insight to help us assist you better.

For now, let us tackle a few things we see here. Most couples will address the ‘exclusivity’ topic earlier than nine months. The fact that you both waited that long to talk about this is significant. These nine months were “filled with love, growth, positivity and attention”, what do you mean by this? Where is the growth?

Your actions let us know you subconsciously knew the story was not what you hoped it would be. We know this based on the way you asked him the question. You feared the answer. Humor is a defense mechanism. Freud saw it as a socially accepted outlet for repressed ideas.

Should I stay or should I go?

This is a story you want to let go of. Based on your words, there is a lot of disturbing behavior your ex exhibited. Let us count them out.

• This is a simple question. One you have every right to ask (in the future do it in three to five months in). We don’t even want to think you were both having unprotected sex before having this discussion and getting tested.
• The question is not something to cry or practice self-depreciation over, which lets us know he is manipulative. See, up to this point he had everything he wanted without any commitment. If he doesn’t deserve you at the nine-month mark, he didn’t deserve you at the three, five, seven-month mark. Why is he suddenly now seeing you in a new light?
• He specifically told you: I AM NOT THE MAN FOR YOU. There is nothing more a person can add to be clearer. But to help you understand better, here is what he is saying. When i had you as i wanted to have you, you were perfect. Now, however, you are asking for more. Since more is what you are looking for, I am not the man for you.
• The crying -in this case- is pure manipulation. So is the sporadic communication. You sense it yourself. Yes, he is doing that only to keep you on the hook in the hopes that you will lower your expectations and go back to accepting the crumbs he throws at you, rather than let you size your cake.

You first 

You may still be in love with this man, but the relationship was only nine months. Even though a lot can be experienced and felt in this short period of time, it is relatively a brief romance. Nothing major has happened. We don’t suggest you call him to get his things. Put them in a box and ship them to him! You don’t want to be manipulated again. We are struggling to see this beautiful soul you keep mentioning. Perhaps, he is still immature; nonetheless -he is not looking good.

Our final words are: Don’t ever wait for anyone to decide for you! You are a force operating in this universe. Never forget that. You choose the outcome of things. He made his choice. He decided he is not the person for you. We agree with him. You are far too precious to be his. Now it is time to make yours. Choose a man and not a boy. Why not seek a healthy partnership and not one that will require you to constantly practice reassurance. Choose you!

In addition, i am also adding a link from my favorite psychology journal. They offer support in different areas of life. See if you can find additional help.

If you are ever in the LA area, reach out to us. We will set you up on a good date! Take care of yourself.

A big hug and an even bigger kiss!