I need help!
My husband wants me to quit working and be a stay at home mom. I (26F) am very passionate about my job as a Human Resources associate. Still, I always wanted to be a mom, too. My husband and I have been married for three years, and he was ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant. The day our son (toddler) was born was the best day of our lives.
However, after we brought the baby home, he started using comparisons between me and his mother in a bad way. He’d just hit me with the “ my mother would have never done that” or “ my mother never would have brought work home with her.”
I go to work full time, yet I handle every aspect of the child and home care. The strain of doing basically everything has been getting to me, and my husband leaves a trail of messes for me to clean up, too. He has been thinking of asking his mom to finally retire and move to California, so she can help care for our son.
THE BLOW UP
One day I couldn’t take it and blew up on him for tossing his dirty socks in a bathtub I had just cleaned. One week later I come home, and I’m ambushed by him and the rest of my in-laws. They said because I make less than he does, I should quit working and be a stay at home mom, or I was going to fail as a mom if I kept running myself ragged with work.They all said their mom would have loved to have been a stay at home mom, but didn’t get a chance, yet I have the ability to do so.
What should I do? After the intervention I took a few days off from work but the thought of having very little to do at times makes me sad. If my husband had his way I would stay home 18 years for each kid. His sisters all stay home. I am going insane from having to do it all while my husband’s life stayed the same.
Dear new mom,
Become a stay at home mom, or continue to be part of the workforce? Every woman who wants a family must make this choice. For some women it is a goal. For others it is a choice. And for some, staying at home is not an option. In spite of the cards fate has dealt each woman, this is ultimately a conversation each family needs to have before having a child.
EXPECTATIONS
Many couples will discuss whether they want to have a baby or not. However, only few will talk about the intricate details. It appears early discussion about expectations for responsibilities was not had. Did you discuss what morals and values are going to be taught? How the housework is going to be divided? Is it going to be divided? Will religion be practiced? What faith or belief system would be adopted? How will the child be disciplined? Will external influence be allowed? How much input is welcome from other family members? In the case of only one parent working, how will finances be handled? Will there be a joint bank account?
HABITS
Your husband is not supporting you with house chores and child care due to a combination of cultural upbringing and habits you allowed him to create. First of all, who leaves sox in the bathtub? I have seen and heard many places where one throws used sox, but a bathtub? No! It seems more like a deliberate act aimed to stir an argument. You let him create habits and continued to enable him. You cleaned up after him, and never asked him to take turns or to be a responsible adult. Despite the fact that you are currently working full time and taking care of everything in the house and the baby, your husband is not contributing. Why?
MOM VS. MOTHER
Do not let his mother move in with you. Adding her will mean double the criticism. You are going to be stuck hearing it from both ends, regardless of how much she can be of help. You need to resolve your current issues by addressing the division and delegation of responsibilities first.
It is not acceptable for your husband to ambush and corner you with the help of his family into accepting his wishes. It is your decision whether you want to quit working or be a stay at home mom. His mother’s choices or lack there of are none of your business. You have a passion, and you love what you do. Working is not just about making an income. It is about fulfillment, contribution, growth and self discovery. We live in different times and women can be more than caretakers. What your husband did was cowardly. He could not win the argument with you directly, therefore he enlisted muscles to weigh you down to submission. This alone would be a good reason for him to get a taste of my wrath. How dare he?
PROFESSIONALS
First decide if YOU -and only you- want to quit working and be a stay at home mom. If the answer is no, then enlist the help of a trained professional. Start by consulting with them on your own, then begin strategizing a healthy plan to discuss your decision with your husband, and a fair plan to uphold harmony and proceed forward. This marriage is between the two of you. No one other than you two should give any instructions on how things should be handled, unless of course they are a trained family therapist!
Never dim your light for anyone. If you do not want to quit working, you do not have to. Fight for what you want the same way he is. If anything, what needs to be addressed is his lack of contribution. The child needs more than the money his father makes. If he wants children, he should be a participant in their care, nurture and upbringing.This has to be sorted out with you and him, not he and his family against you.
Best of luck.
