What is wrong?

I have no friends. I’m lonely and ashamed. Can I make friends as an adult?

Help! Where do I begin?

I’m 35, moved interstate for work with my partner two years ago who decided to break up with me in the middle of last year. And I have no friends. None. I feel embarrassed, lonely and ashamed, and honestly I’m sitting here wondering how my life got to this.

I’ve never had this issue before. At Uni I had a small group of friends who I loved. We did EVERYTHING together. Peas in a pod. I could tell them anything. No judgement…ever. But now, I feel like I’ve completely lost my ability to make friends (is that even a thing)? I know that I invested all of myself into my relationship and the new friends we made, well let’s just say that it’s been hard to connect after the breakup. But I’m a professional, I’m kind, interesting (or so I’ve been told), so why can’t I make friends? Is there something wrong with me?

So I guess my question is… can you make friends as an adult, and if so, how? Is it just me (please say no!!)?

Sasha

Dear Sasha,

Being in a relationship and moving to a new city can definitely affect our social life. Sometimes, in relationships, we spend so much time with our significant other that we lose contact with our loved ones. Ideally this should be a sign the relationship is either not well balanced or is unhealthy. But, our brain has a way of playing tricks on us for the sake of the preservation of our species.

LOOK AROUND

Good news: having no friends is something you can fix. The same way you can eliminate your circle, you can also recreate it. Magic, I know. You can rebuild yourself a social life by starting to reach out to people you used to know, like the Uni friends you mentioned. Call them and see what they are up to. True friendships are like volcanoes, they become dormant but with a new injection of magma they can reignite. Even if they are not in the same city where you are, you at least have someone you know to interact with.

I am not a huge fan of befriending coworkers. I like to keep work and personal life separated, but there is nothing wrong with going for coffee or appetizers with someone you work with, from time to time. Maybe someone from a department that has nothing to do with yours?

TECHNOLOGY

Nowadays there are many apps designed exactly for this purpose. You can join Meetup, which has activity groups, and go out to have fun with a bunch of strangers who, like you, are looking to meet new people. These groups have coordinators who usually do a good job at integrating newcomers. You can select to join the group you like based on your interests, so you can be sure to find like minded individuals.

Bumble BFF is also an easy tool to use. This app allows you to reach out to people based on the age group and location you desire. The profiles give you a short glimpse into the type of activities each person is interested in. You can speak to them from the comfort of your house, and only venture out to meet them if you form a connection, and you want to. By just using these two apps, you can go from having no friends to declining invites.

NEW ERA

Now that we are at the end of the pandemic and most of us are vaccinated, get out. Sign up for things you enjoy doing. Cooking class. Pottery. Rollerblading. Acting. If you are on a budget, look for free activities around you. Sign up to newsletters and blogs that write about upcoming events in your city. Get out of the house and live life, even if you are by yourself. Don’t wait for someone else. You have to live life to share it. Go out there, grab a refreshing cup of whatever you like to drink and walk around your city squares, or head out to the beach. Go for a bike ride. You will meet people if you are doing things, and you are not just locked in your work-home routine.

RENEWAL

Lastly, rid yourself of the loser energy. People can sense it. Lead with your strengths. It happens to everyone to be knocked down from time to time. However, now it is time to get up and live again. You said it. You are a professional – you have a job/career. We all have a story – that confirms you are interesting. You are adventures – you left everything behind and moved to another city. Get rid of the embarrassment, shame and loneliness. You are not the first one to herself with no friends. It can happen, it has and it can be fixed. Go get them tigress.

Happy hunting.

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