It’s simple.
I[49M] hate my partner’s kids[18F’s] and I’m leaving her over this. I entered the age when both the twins were 13, and I met them when they were 14. They have been nothing but brats to me. They hate me because I’m replacing their father. The thing is their father left them because he had a new family. They haven’t been in contact for years now. At first it was just common screaming and tantrums, but as they got older they began talking badly about me and would always try to put me down. I always tried to be there for them but they would treat me poorly and swear at me. They would throw things at me and smear my image and public.
I’ve been providing them ever since I met them. They stay in my house and I buy all their stuff even unnecessarily expensive dresses for their prom. Last year they even began framing me. They accused me of going through their clothes and peeping in on them. They even throw shade at my son. My son works very hard and got into Caltech on the other side of the country, while these 2 have been forever B- students, no matter the tuition I put them through. I was also going to pay for their university but they don’t deserve it. They are average students and they would do better in community college. They committed to a pretty expensive university and think I’m dumb enough to fork out 200k each for them. I really love their mother but I have decided no university for them it’s probably the end of the relationship so I want to give a thankful message to my partner without demonising her children,
Please give me advice to do so.
Dear fed up,
It seems your mind is made up, and there is not much that can be done to change it. However, it saddens me to see two people, who love each other, break up over something solvable. Your letter is riddled with resentment and hatred. If what you are saying is true, your feelings are somewhat justified. I say somewhat because you are attributing all the blame on these two teens, which I disagree with.
SYSTEM FAILURE
It is difficult to blend a family. There are hurt feelings. Periods of adjustments. Coparenting. Boundaries. You name it, it is there. Nonetheless, you and your partner are the adults. There should have been several conversations about how to approach the integration. What were the steps you were both going to engage in? Were you both going to discipline your partner’s kids as a unit, or was each parent to handle their own child/children? This seems like a problem you both stood by and watched balloon. Nothing was done to create common likes to help foster and establish a relationship.
You make no mention of your efforts to understand their issue. Children need to feel loved, heard, safe and understood. Why have you not tried listening to them and understanding the root cause of their problem with you? These kids came to you traumatized after their parents’ divorce. Please keep in mind that they already feel betrayed by someone they trusted, so it is difficult for them to open up again.
MOM, ARE YOU HOME?
From your letter, it appears you have taken offense to the things your partner’s kids have said and done to you. I just want to take a moment to make you understand they are less skilled than you are in processing all the changes divorce and a new union bring. Try to place yourself in their shoes. These two souls “lost” their dad. In their eyes, he is rejecting them for his new children. It is a well known fact that children feel responsible for their parents’ divorce. Add to that also one of the parents leaving and having other children, and the sense of rejection magnifies. In spite of their parent’s actions, children have a sense of loyalty to the absent parent.
When you both first noticed the teens were acting out, where was their mom and why did she not put a stop to it? It is clear that you disciplining them might have been a bad idea, but why did she not step in to restore balance and order? Their behavior is a clear reflection on her lack of establishing boundaries. This is the reason why she is to blame for the deterioration of the relationship with her kids and with you.
LIGHT AT THE END
Think about how you and your partner are finally going to get the chance to enjoy each other. You are almost there. Your son is off to college, and so are your partner’s kids, whether it is community college or university. Your partner should not be resentful if you opt not to pay for their education. It is your money and your say. You have done all you can for them. You have made them reach adulthood. From here on, it is up to them.
You should not have anything to feel guilty about, and if she has been present in the relationship, she will understand your decision. However, any conversation pertaining to them moving out and their tuition not being paid should come directly from her. If you have previous allegations of going through their stuff and peeping on them, be mindful that it can escalate. What I am curious to know is how were these accusations handled by her? You may want to document her response and have witnesses around because these kinds of things can go south pretty quickly.
WHEN IT ALL COMES DOWN
Should you be completely sure you do not want anything to do with the entire family, first contact an attorney. Do not address them or their mother. Have a precise plan in place. You may want to reach out to your local police station and notify them of the allegations your partner’s kids made against you in the past. Make sure you give a thorough explanation about what was said, by whom, when and what was the outcome. If you are in a state where one party consent is enough to make recordings, start doing so. Record their mother, and record them when you bring up the topic, and ask them why they would ever say something so spiteful. You will need to have a myriad of evidence properly documented and safely stored before you pull the plug. My hope is for resolution and the continuation of your relationship with your partner, but if that does not work out….I wish you all the best.
Please update us.
Reference
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