I’ll try to make this as quick as possible. I can’t talk to anyone around me about this because I know it will lead to judgment but I need some advice. We have been together for 9, coming up to 10 years and have a 2 year old child. Since the beginning of our relationship, we have had one on going issue that almost led him to end the relationship 3 months in. The issue that we seem to fight about once a year is oral sex. He tells me he needs it to make him happy and make him feel fulfilled, and when he is craving a BJ nothing else will satisfy him or make the craving go away. My issue with giving, is that years ago I was “face raped” and its affected my ability to perform. We have tried numerous things over the years to find ways to compromise on the issue and they have all failed.
PRIORITY
Once I got pregnant with our child I wasn’t able to do it at all while pregnant as I couldn’t even brush my teeth without almost throwing up, let alone giving a BJ. Then there was the newborn phase and lack of sleep so there was a long while where any form of sexual activity wasn’t there.
My fiancé said for 3 years he was so unhappy at the lack of BJs that he became depressed and emotionally disconnected and spent years trying to figure out how to get what he wants and needed to be happy. He would do nothing to help me around the house or with our child unless I asked him. I went back to work and was working full time, coming home and cooking and cleaning and taking care of our child and everything and as soon as I’d put our child to bed and come into the living room he would ask for a BJ.
I would answer with “no, not right now (wanting some time to unwind) but maybe at bedtime” and bed time would come and id either be too exhausted or mommy brain and forget and go to sleep. He was led to believe that I was forgetting about him, that I disgusted him, that I didn’t love him etc when thats not at all what was going on.
BREAKING POINT
Everything came to the “breaking point” almost 2 months ago when he decided to give me the ultimatum “give me more head or im leaving. I’m not willing to bend or compromise on this”. I ugly cried for a few hours and finally just said “fine you win”, I was so crushed and hurt and devastated but I do love him more than anything and want a future with him.
However, since then im having an extremely hard time moving past this in a positive way and its actually made me depressed at what this ultimatum means. He says that every other aspect of the relationship is great, that oral sex was his only issue with it (and to clarify before I forget, he will do it for me when I ask). Its led me to feel so worthless that he was willing to walk out on me, and our family and what we have and what we are building for over oral sex. Its killed my sex drive because he had told me that when he wants a BJ that no other forms of intercourse are good enough and doesn’t satisfy him so I feel like I’m not good enough.
GIVING
I had been giving him oral as foreplay but not to completion which is what he was after and I thought everything was fine being how we haven’t argued about it for at least a year and then I get slapped with an ultimatum. I feel that now an act that’s supposed to be done out of love, is now an act that I’m forced to do so he won’t leave me. It’s not the physical part, it’s the emotional part that’s holding me back now from everything. I’ve explained to him how I feel and what he was implying by giving me the ultimatum but he says I can’t feel that way because he didn’t say those words.
HOW DO I?
How do I get over feeling worthless and moving forward?! How do I feel wanted and sexy enough to want to have any form of sex? How do I not feel so devastated that the person whom I thought loved me would put me in this position? I do want to be with him, but I just want both of us to be happy and right now, I’m not happy. I’m sure some people will just say to me “if you love him, just do it” or “you shouldn’t be doing anything you don’t want to do” and I was doing what I could (foreplay oral) because I love him and want to make him happy but still having issues because of my past.
If you’ve read this far, thank you! I just need advice, how do I move forward and put this behind me and feel secure in my relationship again, not like I’ll be left if I can’t give him a BJ every single time he asks for it?
Dear Fiancé,
It often surprises me to hear the things people mistake for love, and the treatments they are willing to accept from others in the name of it. You are in a particular relationship. He is mainly concerned with his “needs”, which make him look selfish and insensitive. You, however, do have needs. You need care because you have been traumatized. You need help because you are raising a child by yourself.
WHAT GIVES?
I am curious to know what is it that you love so much about him? There is no denying you serve his needs or else he would have left a long time ago. But what are you receiving from him? It is clear to see from your letter you are self-sufficient. You may not be aware of it, but you are a single mother living with a man that uses you for his satisfaction. I cannot express how one-sided your relationship is since he would do nothing to help you around the house or with your child unless you asked him to, and you are working full time, coming home and cooking, cleaning, taking care of your child and everything else. Of course, “He says that every other aspect of the relationship is great, and that oral sex was his only issue”. You are doing everything! The question then becomes, is it worth being with someone you give 99% in life to, yet, reciprocates with zero, and is willing to leave you for the missing 1%?
What is even worse is the impact this coercion will have on your psyche. As if the trauma you survived is not enough, you are now being forced to relive it at the hands of the one person who is supposed to love you and be your source of safety and comfort. How exceedingly small of a man he is?
CHOICE
You have three options:
- Seek professional help: individually. You are not the only one with a problem. If he says it is a necessity, then he must understand he has issues. Sex is not a necessity. A necessity is something we die over if we do not receive. It is time to address his problem with someone who can actually help him. You must also speak to someone; you can start by contacting National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC). Regardless of where your relationship is headed, it is a good idea to address the trauma.
- Let him go. It will not be, too, long before he realizes what he had all along. This, of course, will require you knowing your worth, what you bring to the table and what you have to offer -not just to him- but to your life and your child’s, as well. Remember that staying with someone who makes us feel less than has significant effects on our personality. Every time you bring yourself to do what others want above what you want, you are doing a disservice to your identity. You are stating they matter more than your wellbeing, and frankly no one is.
- Grow a pair and tell him you “need” it as much as he does. Moving forward, the only way for him to get one is to receive one first. Let’s see how long he is going to enjoy a sexual act that has been weaponized as a chore.
I hope you find first, the expert help you need. Second, love. Lots of it, and with someone capable of thinking of others. Lastly, the strength you need to not let the trauma take over your life, and to put your foot down and ask for what you so rightfully deserve: RESPECT.
My very best wishes.
My fiance(34M) gave me(37F) an ultimatum and im not sure how to move forward. Advice appreciated! from relationship_advice
