Hello everyone,

we have been together for 17 years. I have had health problems but now that they are resolved, I thought it was natural for us to marry! Instead, I hear the usual excuses; signatures do not count, I love you anyway, etc. But for me now it has become important! However, I don’t want to be the one to propose. That will not happen, but I don’t know how to deal with this feeling. We have always been all right, up to this point. But this refusal has sparked jealousy and a sense of inferiority in me. It creates in me a feeling of being the temporary girlfriend, the second choice, not the love of his life but that of which he is satisfied and therefore does not want to take the extra step with !!!

Sometimes I think the best thing is to leave, but I do not have the courage. I would just like this fixation to pass and for me to be detached. Thank you

 

 

Good Morning Lise,

Thank you for reaching out to us. Your letter is packed with a lot of information but is also missing some. Let us start with the beginning.  I am certain that, when you both first met, you discussed what your dreams for the future were. The topic about marriage vs partnership  must have been had. You must have discussed whether you want to have kids or not, pets in the house or in the garden, large condominium or a villa, do we like to live in the country side or the city center. These are discussions lovers initially have to establish a relationship. I believe you two love birds did as well. Based on your time together, seventeen years, and this sentence “We have always been all right, up to this point” I believe the initial agreement did not involve marriage.

Health scare?

However, you open the letter sharing you just survived something serious. Perhaps, that experience shifted your paradigm. Maybe life now has a different meaning for you. You may have experienced something that rocked your foundation and you are now looking for anything that can provide you security. That is understandable. Please refrain from self-doubt, though. I have never seen anyone head anywhere good once they tap into that feeling.

This man has been with you for seventeen years, he stood by you during your good times and bad ones. He was there through your sickness and health. Certainly, he does have feelings for you. Now you both need to decide something; is marriage more important to you than being with the man you love, or is not getting married more important to him than being with you? It is vital for both to understand what you mean to each other.

Reverse psychology

You also state in your letter he says he loves you and a contract doesn’t mean anything. I would reverse that in my conversation. I love you and if a contract doesn’t mean anything, why are you against it? It is not fair to force a person to take a step they do not wish to take. It is also unfair to expect a person to give up on something they desire. This is a conversation that needs to happen with compromise as the objective. If price for a wedding is what is making him hesitant, try to come up with smart ways to save money.

On the other hand, if it is the principle of not wanting to have the government involved, then talk about the benefits a marriage contract provides such as tax breaks couples get, in case of health issues the ability to make life and death decisions at the hospital etc. You must be prepared to state your case, but also to listen to his. Marriage vs Partnership is a core difference. One many couples part ways over. Has this life experience made you someone who now has a completely different vision of the type of relationship you want?

Honest Truth

Before I let you go, I just want to tell you that unless a mature, honest and vulnerable communication (the winning card in every relationship) takes place, there is a serious chance this relationship may begin to harbor resentment. Resentment will be in your heart, if he refuses to ask you to marry him, and it will be in his -if you make him marry you due to an ultimatum.

I want to leave you by saying you have the right to pursue happiness. That is something only you can give yourself. Just know that if you handle this situation with maturity and tact, you can have the results you want, and the same goes if he is to stick to his guns and you ultimately decide to move on to someone who wants to marry you. You have the right to pursue happiness.