Hi there,
I am scared of losing myself in relationships. This question might not be something you could help me with but it’s been on my mind lately. When I was single, it was easy for me to concentrate on school work, wanting to get ahead, and I was able to dedicate time to finding and working on myself.
Now, I am in a happy and healthy relationship. However, I do not feel the strong urges of doing those things that I just mentioned anymore; but I very much want to. I miss finding myself and looking for new things to love and being passionate about my hobbies.
How can I incorporate not losing myself as well as being that eager and ambitious girl I once was while in a relationship?
Tanya
Hi Tanya,
The fact that you are still conscious of your goals and fear of losing yourself in the relationship is a good sign. It is normal for a couple to be into one another when they first start dating. The time you spend creates the bond you need to establish a future together. You will find yourself not caring about your previous wants because your other needs are being met.
Once the relationship is established, you begin to merge into a single unit. This union, if healthy, will allow the partners to grow individually and together. You will both be able to focus and analyze one another. You will then try to understand how you fit into each other’s universe.
Boundaries.
The need to establish a clear line in every aspect of a relationship is insurmountable. Through healthy conversations, partners need to communicate what their needs, hopes, dreams and expectations for themselves and one another are. Hopefully you will have enough in common to support and inspire one another.
Goals
Whether we are single or in a relationship, setting goals and pursuing them is instrumental for progress and growth. If you are finding yourself not caring anymore about things that mattered to you previously, you should ask yourself why. Feelings come and go. As you can see, you previously wanted to grow, now you find yourself not caring so much to. All this is, is a change in your desires. If you continue to make your decisions based on the way you feel, you will have a difficult time finding consistency in your life, and you will end up losing yourself. You want to make your life-choices based on principles. This will allow you to make decisions based on your core philosophies rather than your mood or imminent state of mind.
Place a bet
Love is a beautiful thing, but it is not everything. Since that, too, is a feeling – it is bound to change. If you are to bet on anything in your life, let it be yourself. It is pivotal for you to continue investing in yourself and that you nurture your self development. This will allow you to be an equal contributor in the relationship. It will increase your self worth and your worth in your partner’s eyes.
Action/Reward
Create a schedule that allows you to balance the pursuit of your goals, personal time and time with your partner. The majority of your time should be invested in your growth, career, education and development. Your personal time should be allocated as a reward for achieving your goals to enjoy your hobbies, spend time with your family and friends. Your time with your significant other should also be a reward. Prioritizing your growth and development should be of paramount importance. Everything else falls after. Notice men never make an issue about focusing on their drive. We should not be any different. Focus on creating a hierarchy; your growth first, hobbies, family, friends and partner. Then, you will not have to worry about losing yourself.
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