Quirey:
My (32m) wife (32f) and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3 of that. We don’t have or want kids. We used to be very active together: gym, hiking, biking, rock climbing together. Ever since she stopped being active, I am no longer attracted to her. I would usually initiate those activities, but afterwards my wife would tell me she was glad she came along and tell me to push her to do more. Hiking is one of my favorite things to do, and I thought she felt similarly. We also ate very healthy at almost every meal, but still enjoyed occasional junk food. As soon as we got married that changed.
After marriage she started following the body positive community on social media. She gradually stopped exercising. Then she started eating larger desserts, and she’ll get fast food delivered for herself often. She has gained a lot of weight, and I would guess she qualifies as obese at this point. I still exercise almost every day, and eat healthy most of the time.
MISS HER
I also talk with her about how I miss having her along for hiking, biking, etc. It’s gotten to the point where I’m no longer physically attracted to her, and I’m not sure I want a romantic relationship with her anymore. She’s an amazing person. We have a lot of fun hanging out and talking. We care about each other. We’re usually very good about talking through our problems. I just worry about her future health, miss exercising with her, and I’m not really enjoying sex with her anymore. Still, I love her as a friend, but that’s about all I feel. I want a relationship with someone who’s active, and someone I’m attracted to, and I feel like a terrible shallow person for no longer wanting my wife.
Do I tell her that I’m no longer attracted to her, and see if she’s willing to make a change? Do I simply tell her I’m no longer in love with her and want to move on? Is there something else I could be doing? At this point I’m not sure if it would make a difference or not if she started exercising again. I might spend forever feeling like I’m pushing her to do things she doesn’t want to do. If she is truly happier with this lifestyle I want to support her. Thanks for reading. I’m not sure what to do.
Dear concerned husband,
A simple search of “my partner has gained weight” will open the floodgates into this far too common relationship issue. Your feelings are not unusual. Many couples go through what you are going through. With obesity being an epidemic in the US, and the rising culture of body positivity, the perfect storm is brewing.
Our bodies change constantly. Throughout our lifespan, as you know, we have inhabited different bodies with different sizes. And if you continue living, chances are that our body will continue to evolve. Your wife’s weight gain, per your explanation, seems by choice since she is not going through anything traumatic or health related.
THE WAIT
Your wife’s body transformation began three years ago. This means you sat by and watched this problem be born and grow into what you now hate. Why did you wait this long to address the issue? Especially, if you have good communication as a foundation in your relationship, why did you not bring this up earlier? Despite you seeing your wife’s weight gain as the problem for you no longer being attracted to her, I think you know there are other issues greater than that.
The real problem I gather from your letter is that now you realize you are two completely different people, and that is what is making you grow apart. You two see the world differently. Both believe different things, and it shows in the actions you engage. You are into being active, exploring, challenging, evolving and wellbeing. The Mrs., on the other hand, is hedonistic, she discovered the tribe who practice it, and she is loving it.
WHAT NOW?
The question now becomes, how do you move forward? You may need to consider whether you want to be with her regardless of the changes she is willing to make or not. See, if she starts dieting because she is afraid of losing you, that will not resolve the problem. You are fundamentally different people. She is sedentary and you are active. She is a home-body and you are not. In a healthy and well balanced relationship, the couple know how to individually give and take. A natural equilibrium is established because both individuals are willing and enjoy learning from one another.
I think you initially missed (or purposefully ignored) your wife’s true nature. You mentioned here you were always the one to initiate physical activity and outings. She was never interested in doing that. Infact, she even asked you to push her. This is because she never liked doing them in the first place. We ask others to push us when we do not have the will to act on our own. Perhaps now you are finally opening your eyes and seeing who she was all along.
WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS
If you are looking for someone active and on the go, this is not who she is. She can make some changes to meet you halfway because she cares about you. You probably will also need to make some adjustments to your expectations, if you want to keep her. However, you have said it more than once in your letter. You are no longer in love with your wife. You have subconsciously realized she is not the person you thought she was.
Instead of blaming this epiphany on her weight gain, address the real issue. You are different people, with different desires and different outlooks and expectations. First, figure out whether you want to continue this union if she decides to make changes by embracing a healthy lifestyle composed of diet and exercise. Can work be done to save this marriage, and are you both willing to do it? Will you ever be attracted to her again? Should the answer be no, have a frank conversation with her and set yourselves free, so you can each go do what you want to do. This will at least help you keep the friendship, since are not able to grow as a couple together.
