Whether it is in person or over the phone, many people find it difficult to start a conversation with someone. Introductions become stiff and phone calls silent. Awkwardness begins to fill the space like a hot-air balloon, and if speaking to this person was hard at first, now it is unbearable. Some people are naturals. They have the gift to talk to anyone: anywhere, while others have difficulty speaking even with someone they know. High-level executives can command and lead a company, but sometimes even they can find themselves at a loss for words when asked to engage with the opposite (or same) sex. How do you get over the shyness or fear of talking to strangers?
I am just like you
The secret to overcoming fear of small talk is to first understand that we are all uncomfortable of the unknown. Somebody saying: “excuse me” often triggers the “what is it you want?” reaction in us. That is because we really don’t know what the person seeking our attention needs from us. At times they just want to walk past us, or they are behind you in the elevator and they need to get off, other times they are trying to reach for an object close to our personal space, so understanding the intention for the conversation is important.
Second, just because someone is speaking to us doesn’t mean they are looking to date us. Sometimes people engage in small talk for the human experience. I coach our clients to overcome their fears by just practicing how to engage in small talk with strangers just for the sake of talking, saying something positive to be the person that sees them that day. Here is a scenario: you walk in a coffee shop and you see someone you like. They are attractive. They look well put together, so you decide to talk to them.
Chameleon Effect
Mimicking someone’s energy is a fantastic way to be effective. This is because if your crush is a shy, having an over the top personality can be overwhelming. It can result in making them retreat in their shell. You may meet someone who is very straight to the point and easily gets annoyed by people who talk about the weather. Try starting with a neutral hello to gage their energy. How do they respond? Are they mellow, neutral as well or high energy? In 1999 The New York University conducted a study to document the “chameleon effect”. The study revealed imitating someone’s body language, tone and facial expression facilitates liking. There is a subconscious message to our brain in a form of reassurance streaming form familiarity. This person is similar to us if not just like us.
Hey there, I did not notice you
A compliment is a great way to disarm someone. Nevertheless, it is a safer bet to complement something rather than the “someone”. Example: I like your shirt. Blue is my favorite color and it is a good omen for the kind of day THIS is going to be *eye roll* VS. I like your shirt. You look good in it. Making it less about them by directing the attraction to the object makes the person feel less self-conscious. It also allows us to proceed with caution and gage their interest. Based on their answer, we will be able to see how to move next. Now, physically attractive doesn’t always equate great human being. You may begin speaking to this person and realize they are rude, unpleasant, negative and God knows what else. Sometimes nothing comes of it, but you still started a conversation with someone you didn’t know, which if you continue to practice will help you overcome the fear of talking to strangers, which can be a win-win situation or just an internal victory. Either way you have nothing to lose.
Practice talking to strangers. Every encounter is a chance to become better at overcoming your fear and mastering self-confidence. I treat every establishment as my home: I am the host and you are my favorite guest. While you are interacting with me, you shall have a wonderful experience. Ultimately, we all want to be treated well. Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them. The world is yours!
