Quiry:

My(F29) boyfriend (M33) of 1.9 years knew he had herpes and didn’t tell me. We’ve been having unprotected sex. Last year, he lied to me about getting a check up, because he was ‘ashamed’ and too embarrassed to go.  Six months into our relationship, he’d gave me chlamydia, but we got it sorted out, and got in the clear. But after all that – me forgiving him- he still continued to lie about herpes, and had unprotected sex with me. He said he is really ashamed and didn’t tell me because I might run away, then why did he not at least use condoms? Was that not my choice to make about my body? 

He was telling me about the symptoms for a couple of days ( we didn’t have sex when he noticed it). I said it probably isn’t that, because you usually get your first outbreak 10-20 days after contracting the virus. Then he said he wanted to speak to me in person. He finally ended up telling me the truth by stating he got it 10 years ago, and never experienced an outbreak since, so he thought he got lucky and was clear of it. He claims he made a ‘mistake’.

I’m really hurt. We’ve been talking about marriage and children and we are like best friends. I probably need to leave him now. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust him again. He gave me money to pay for a test. I love this man. What would you do?

Hello!

This relationship is a nightmare. We are dealing with a double crime, a cover up, and double the denial. Let us take it from the top; 

Original Sin

The first crime took place when your boyfriend infected you with chlamydia six months into your relationship. This tells me you started having unprotected sex before being both tested. You are old enough to know about STDs and their prevalence, yet you chose to ignore both. Not only did you not get tested, you obviously forgave him for infecting you and continued dating him. 

You make no mention about the discussion you had with him, and what were the conditions set in place, if any, to move forward. I am curious to know what would a person say to get out of a situation where they infected someone with a disease. How do they get to continue to interact with them without any harm coming to them? 

You also fail to inform us how you discovered you had chlamydia. Something tells me it was an outbreak and not him informing you. Do you know that this STD is one the few that can cause women serious health risks. You risk everything between infertility and death. Nonetheless, you obviously did not see this as a concerning factor. You must have thought he was more important than your health for you to give him another opportunity to infect you. There goes your first denial. 

Repeat offender

The second crime is him not disclosing that he has been infected with herpes for over a decade. There is no excuse for his failure to do so. This is not only negligent, but it is also criminal. You can have him prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, if you are now infected. It will not change the outcome because once you contract HPV, you will have it for life. You may be yet another person to have to have THE talk every time you enter a relationship by having to tell your potential partners you have an incurable STD. 

Did you ask him why he was disclosing this information now? If he was afraid of losing you before, did he tell you now because he is no longer scared to? Did you ask him to what you owe this sudden outpour of honesty? If you have not, I would suggest you do. There may be more to the story than you have been told, and herpes may be something at the bottom of your problems  list.

Responsibility

No one but ourselves is responsible for our wellbeing and happiness. You let the ball drop twice. When you first had sex without getting tested, and when you decided to give him another shot after discovering he had most likely cheated on your and passed you a deadly disease. You only have one shot at life, so no one who gambled with it deserves to be given another opportunity to take it. 

What’s next? 

The most important thing to do now is to get tested. Focus on discovering your health status. Hopefully, you have not been contaminated with also herpes. If you have, let us hope yours is dormant. If not, you will just have to learn to manage it like everyone else who has it. Secondly, you must ask yourself what else you are waiting to be infected with. This man, regardless of how you feel about him, does not care about you as much as you do for him. He has time and time again chosen himself and his feelings rather than you and your wellbeing.

Fear of rejection is not an excuse to gamble with someone’s life. He had no right to do so even once, let alone twice. The first time you were infected, you were lucky it was chlamydia and not HIV. You cannot be in denial of the person you are with. And to finally answer your question: I would dump him, and report him to prevent this from happening to other women in the future. 

 

 

Reference

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