What should I do?
My (28F) Fiancé (28M), 9 year relationship, left me last week, 4 months before the wedding.
I came home from work a week ago, and found all my fiancé’s things gone, and a text saying he was leaving me due to being miserable. We have been bickering and fighting more than normal, but it blindsided me when he left. The next day he said he had a mental breakdown, and that it was a mistake.
He wants to get back together and get married. I said I couldn’t just “get back together” after what he did and said. This is not something I can sweep under the rug. I would want therapy to talk to a professional about what made him freak out and take off, along with trust issues that intermittently resurface. I want to make sure we are on the same page as other things came up after talking about why he was unhappy.
He wants no therapy, and he doesn’t understand why I want to postpone the wedding. I love him and trust that he won’t cheat on me, but I feel like I need some answers to what the root of the problems were before moving forward in our relationship. I don’t want to start a family then be left alone, but he is saying he won’t come back unless I agree to no therapy. He wants us to work it out on our own. I’ve talked to friends about it, and they all just want to be supportive, but have given me no real advice on how I should proceed.
Greetings,
So much information, so little time. Your fiance` is obviously going through a lot. It is one thing to get cold feet, but it is a different beast to pack all of his belongings, and move out without any explanation aside from a menial text declaring misery.
Lack of communication
Your relationship may be suffering from many things. The one I am certain of is the lack of communication. What I am trying to say is: you are arguing but not reaching resolution. Ideally, the objective of an argument between anyone is to express one’s needs to the other. In an ideal world, conflict should be void of insults, cruelty and past history allegations. Each conflict should have a topic, a desired outcome and the willingness of the parties involved to reach a solution. You make mention of the bickering that has been plaguing your relationship. That is usually a sign of underlying problems not being addressed, and frustration beginning to bleed throughout every conversation.
Nine years is a long time to be with someone. Surely, not everything that shows up in the relationship is going to be resolved. But for major things importance should be given. I am certain there are recurring arguments that were not given their due weight. These things are probably important enough to be discussed before the wedding with the help of a trained professional.
Dormez vous, Dormez vous?
What was going on with you? You missed someone packing and leaving with everything they own. This is a shocking fact and it is worrisome. Yet, in your letter you are calm. You are more focused on wanting to hire a therapist to understand the issues that drove your fiance` to leave you four months before the wedding, as if you were not in the relationship at all. What were your last fights about? Were there previous threats of a breakup? Has this happened before? Is your fiance` impulsive? You seem to be completely unaware in all of this.
What about you?
There is no doubt he wears the pants in the relationship. Everything is focused on his needs and desires. He leaves when he wants. Then, he comes back when he feels ready. He decides on what terms reconciliation will happen. On top of everything, he wants to dictate what needs to happen with a wedding he walked out of, willingly. Are you allowed to make any decisions about matters involving you?
Final Say
He made a choice that suited his needs. He left you four months before the wedding without any explanation. What he needs to understand is that he is the one that wants you back (you may want him back, too, but for the sake of argument, he wants you more than you do). If he is to be back in your life, you have the right to set the terms by which he is allowed back. He does not get to say “won’t come back unless…” No. This is your line, now. Ask for whatever you want. Above everything, therapy is a must. And yes, do postpone the wedding. Because if he does not comply with your request, there may not be one at all.
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