Quiry:

My Boyfriend [32m] won’t stop sitting on me [22f]. I’ve been with him for 3 years. We’ve talked about marriage. He is usually calm and gentle, and I really love him. He’s also pretty successful, so I look up to him a lot.

We have some issues with control in the house. He is VERY particular about everything – where I place items, how I grab the mail, where I move the dog’s bowl etc.

My boyfriend has weird physical boundaries. Sometimes he sits on me. I beg him, please get off, please stop, and he won’t. He sits and sits until I become upset and he gets off.

Sometimes he also grabs me and pins me down until I say stop, stop, please stop.

If I tell him it’s abusive, he says that I don’t listen to him, and that’s the true abuse. He says if I could hear how I was talking right now I would “smack myself.”

We also have some issues where I ask him to stop bothering my dog and he refuses.

I feel like I can’t win.

How can I navigate these conversations?

 

Good Morning!

I don’t know if I believe your boyfriend has issues with physical boundaries. Him sitting on you is not a regular occurrence, according to your letter. If I am reading what you are trying to say correctly, your boyfriend is using his weight as a method of control to pressure you into doing what he wants you to. Therefore, this is control, abuse and sadism, not trouble with physical boundaries. His actions are deliberate. What he is doing is a classic control tactic. This means he has an end goal in mind that you do not seem to be aware of. Recognizing the difference between what this is and what you think it is, is critical because it is the difference between becoming a victim and not. 

1st Tactic: Safe space

Notice how he practices this behavior only at home. Your boyfriend does not pin you down on the floor or attempt sitting on you when you are in public. He does this in a space where he is able to exercise the abuse. Being that he is the one who is financially successful, I am certain that you moved into his place and not the other way around. Him being particular about everything is not due to OCD or any other justifiable reason. It is simply another form of control. He is testing you every day to see how much he can get you to comply, and how far he can push you. 

2nd Tactic: Intimidation through the use of height or weight

The fact that he uses his physical size to violate your freedom to move by sitting on you,  is the outward manifestation of the psychological control he is already subjecting you to. He is conditioning your mind to make you feel helpless. Pay attention to how he does not stop the abuse when you ask him to, regardless if you are pleading or begging him to. He stops it when he has broken you down. This is psychological dominance. He is indirectly letting you know, I am in charge here, and I ONLY decide when this stops. This behavior should not have been tolerated from the first time. You should have made it very clear that you would never be with someone who doesn’t adhere to “stop”, and you should have meant it. 

3rd Tactic: Cruelty against household pets

There are several studies currently being conducted, which focus on the understanding of how abusers use violence and cruelty against the pets of their partners as a form of menacing and control. Your boyfriend – if it is even fair to call him that, since friends don’t harm us – not only abuses you, but he also tortures your dog and refuses to stop when asked to. Nothing screams sadistic more than a human being who is willing to harm a defenseless creature. Because of your natural attachment to your pet, by harming it, he is trying to get you to comply with far too ease to  whatever he is planning to escalate this into. He is not yet fully abusing the animal. Nonetheless, he is making you understand the risk, should there be failure to do what he wants you to do. He is exploiting your bond with the animal to get what he wants from you, and trust me – it is not aligning the dog bowls and lining up the shelves. 

This is not a conversation you can navigate. Your partner is a sick individual. The issue her is not just him sitting on you. If you are smart, you would pack your bags, your dog, his bowls and go far, far away. This is only going to escalate because unfortunately, it is not your partner with the boundary issues. It is you. You do not know how to put a stop to unacceptable behavior. I hate to say it, but in the words of our beloved Whoopi: you’re in danger, girl. You need to get the hell out. 

 

Run! 

“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.”

— Paramhansa Yogananda

 

Reference

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