Hello,

I am the classic girl who grew up without a father, the classic cliché of abandonment.

My father, when I was 5 years old, left me with a phrase: “you know Clari, I’m like the sun… I appear and disappear”, so for a long time, whenever the sun came out, I would go to the window at home hoping to see him again. After all, what do you want a child to know about metaphors?

At the age of 15 I lost my virginity, more by curiosity than by feelings, living it almost like a trauma. With time, I removed the event, as if it were violence. In fact, the trauma I had the next morning when my mother with tear-swollen eyes told me that she knew everything (at that time it so happened that after particularly heavy days, I talked in my sleep), the night before I obsessively repeated that “it was only sex and not love”, since I was deeply rooted in the obsession by my mother that “virginity is a gift to give to the most important person.”

BARRIERS

In the following years I had blocks during sexual relationships that had emotional bonds, I curled up in myself, barricaded my legs, I cried, I washed violently as if I were dirty.

A few years after the unlock, I lived casual sex and it hurt less than emotional sex, but equally I felt dirty and horrible the next day.It was almost a rebellion against my mother’s bigotry, and a violence against myself to show that I did not care. My relationships have lasted less and less … 3 years, 1 year, 9 months, 7 months … not to exceed even a few weeks.I gave myself in the hope that someone would remain tied to me until the suffering of losing someone went away even before losing it really… and so I began to manage emotions on command.

SIGNS

After a vaginal infection, I closed myself in a hedgehog, I removed so many people and I started to see sex under a new perspective. Finally, I activated the libido, but only when I felt something for someone. However, if I decide to have someone, my mother is there ready with phrases like “who were you with? Did you already sleep with him? And you women expect these men to have respect for you? ” Phrases that burst with vehemence in my private sphere.I also have this difficulty with relationships with my family, I’m never present at their various events, unless it is obligatory, and even then, I stay very little in their company, not being able to feel free to be myself, ever!

FEARS OF THE FUTURE

It makes me think “but yes, when i am alone i don’t have this anxiety” but now I’m almost 27 years old and I’m terrified of being alone for the rest of my life because I’m unable to maintain relationships, to build them … whatever type they may be.

I do a lot of soul-searching, but I would like to know from someone who is not in my same shoes how to heal.

 

I’m going to live with my grandparents again.  I feel the possibility of being judged stronger, since my grandmother is the “uneducated” version of my mother. She will mirror of the years of struggle I battled with my mother already. There will be two voices to rise above, two judgments and not one. I’m scared.

 

Hello my dear,

Your honesty is gut wrenching.

There is no magic to help you overcome your realty. There is, however, psychotherapy and it can be useful to deal with your pain and trauma. You must understand the traumatic effects of abandonment, to begin your journey. And know millions of people in the world are in your exact situation. Abandonment can occur due to the absence or neglect of a parent. People can also experience abandonment after a divorce, or when their children become adults and start their lives. A person can experience it also when faced with discrimination of race or gender identity. The avenue to reach this emotion are many.

Regardless at what age one experiences the desertion, the sense of withdrawal of love is inevitable. The feeling of abandonment affects severely the development of a child, as in your case. They grow up feeling unwanted, unworthy and inadequate. These feelings lead them to internalize these emotions and ultimately to blame themselves for the actions of others, rendering them incapable of forming bonds with others due to fear or going through the trauma again.

RAMIFICATIONS

Abandonment affects the shaping of the human, and it becomes a life long battle for the individuals, causing them to constantly prove their worth rather than be themselves. They will form unhealthy relationship by accepting any form of validation as a token for the fleeting security they are pursuing. Even when they enter healthy relationships, the feeling of abandonment haunts them, and they look for any sign of rejection, so they end up living the fear rather than the bliss, just like you stated in your letter.

Trust issues plague their existence because they never had a chance to rely on someone. This causes them to miss the opportunity to enjoy those who actually care for them, and in your case these are your mother, grandmother and the family members you refuse to bond with. You are indirectly punishing your mother for your father’s sins. Despite her cultural upbringing, your mother wants only the best for you, and her unwavering presence in your life, contrary to your father’s, is a testament to that.

THE JOURNEY BACK TO YOU

Healing from a sense of abandonment can be a lifelong journey, and learning how to trust yourself is the first step. Reaching out to a psychotherapist to guide you though the process will be crucial. Perhaps you live in a country where mental health care is not readily available. However, through the magic of the Internet, help is at your fingertips. There are many organizations to assist you in finding the help you need.

As time progresses, you will be able to see your value and begin the process of building your self esteem. You will rely more on the things you discover about yourself. You will learn to understand the difference between the child that was abandoned and the woman who lived to tell the story. Also, you will know how to separate your past from your present, and your father’s actions from your own. It will become easier to identify those who care about you from the ones who use you. You are no longer a frail child stuck looking out the window waiting for her dad to return.Your survival has made you a strong, resilient warrior. 

LOOK AROUND

It is one thing for others to think you have no worth, but it is self-disservice to agree with them. The fact that you are on this earth, and that you are looking for help is proof you are worthy. Despite the past, you can begin to create a better future for yourself. This part of you, the one who wrote this letter, knows there is someone worthy, and hence why it is looking for help. Aid it by finding it resources it needs. Begin by utilizing the resources you possess and allowing and accepting the affection of those already in your circle, which is your immediate family. Try not to focus on their judgment but rather on their love and their dedication for you.

PEACE AND ACCEPTANCE

Meditate. Spend time by yourself. Learn to find peace and serenity in your company. And you will see that finding someone is not crucial but optional. If you do not find peace with yourself, regardless of who you date, these issues will follow you. Emerson stated, “My giant goes with me wherever I go”. Being in a relationship will not heal your sense of abandonment. Only awareness and doing the work needed to address the emotion will.

Once you work on finding the peace you need to live with yourself, you will be able to find the person you like. You may even find the person as you are on your healing path. What matters is that this person is positive, and they speak words of encouragement. You do not need to be with anyone who makes you doubt yourself. Look for a light-bearer. A person with a strong family bond and sense of peace would be ideal.

I have no doubt you will be successful. I will sign off by sending you much healing and above all love.

Start taking care.