Help:

I locked our son’s bedroom door after he died, I hurt my wife.

How do I fix this? I know that I was egregiously wrong, but I genuinely am worried that she is spending too much time in his room, or that it could become unhealthy.

Our son died early this year. He was very young and his death was sudden. Since his passing, a few months ago, my wife’s slept in his room, sometimes just sits on the floor and plays with his keyboard. I’ve tried to sit with her but she always insists that she wants to be left alone. I understand that we have grieved differently thus far but I was extremely concerned about her. I told her that and she said that she was fine so I dropped it.

IMPULSE

This week was his birthday and she’s been doing her job from his room, sleeping in there again etc. I told her that I was considering locking his bedroom door for the time being because we (our parents and me) were all very concerned about her.

She said no, and said that she is dealing how she deals. I changed the lock on his door last night and locked the door. When she discovered it, she went off on me and accused me of not loving her, not loving our son enough to care and trying to rush her through grief. I ended up unlocking the door because I just wanted to put the fire out and I now know that it was wrong of me. Is there a way that I can fix this? How do I apologize?

Also…She is not gonna go for therapy at all. It has been mentioned to her though.

Hi there,

 

I will start my response by giving you my condolences for your loss. There is no denying you are both suffering from his passing. Because of that, I  had to edit my answer several times. I wanted to remind myself about your pain again and again so I did not say anything that could potentially add to it.There are several items I would like to address in your letter. I must confess that I found your action perplexing, not to mention hurtful. 

 

TIME

Her actions are not concerning considering the loss of your child occurred this year. It has only been a few months. No one other than the individual experiencing the grief can decide when to stop grieving. It seems like she is going about it the right way. She is taking her time, and she is feeling everything she is experiencing. This is not the type of trauma one just pushes through. Some people grieve for their pets for years. Therefore, for a mother to be able to process something as painful as the loss of her child, and to go through the grief of the breaking of such a powerful bond must be atrocious. She has not had enough time to mourn her child. This type of blow can trigger depression, anxiety, guilt and  marital problems, as in your case. 

 

Both of your parents have no say in this situation. They are removed from the experience through their role in his life. In all honesty, she is the one that has the longest and strongest bond with the child, so she cannot not be judged by anyone’s standards. 

 

RIGHTS

I am trying to understand, what gives you the right to decide what and how long she has access to things in her own home? I do not believe it was ‘concern’ that led you to lock your son’s bedroom door. In fact I have a few theories: 

• You locked your son’s bedroom door because you felt rejected by your wife when she asked you to be left by herself in his room. This is totally understandable. Subconsciously, you may have wanted to face the loss together, as a team, instead of individually. That would have been ideal for each other’s sake and the sake of your union. Yet, we only know what is the best way for us to mourn when we are in the moment. 

 

• Closing your son’s bedroom door was your way of crying for help. This room was preventing you from playing your role. You could not play the protector because this space did. You thought that if you could close her escape, she would have no choice but to turn back to your arms for comfort, and you could both somehow help one another. I would understand this as well. As I mentioned above, we all grieve differently. 

 

• Lastly, this might have been your way of staying in control of your emotions. Maybe, you did not allow yourself to go through the grieving process. You just locked your feelings in a place inside you and threw away the key, or at least you thought you could. But, her actions became a physical reminder of what you were in denial and not willing to confront. So – to reconcile your reality with your denial – you chose to physically close off the one place that reminded you of your pain. In doing so you are forgetting it was her only link to him, and she needed that space to gradually cut the bond nature had weaved for both their survival.  

 

 

MISTAKE

Your biggest fault was denying her, her agency. You took away her right to grieve as she felt fit. You practically treated her like a child by exerting control over her. Your actions are those of an authoritarian parent and not that of a partner. You practically said “you need to stop spending all this time in that room by yourself. If you keep doing it, I will lock the door, and you will not be allowed in there anymore”. WHAT? Unacceptable!

 

CLUE

Finally, I want to address the last paragraph of your letter. Where you state I ended up unlocking our son’s bedroom door because I just wanted to put the fire out and I now know that it was wrong of me. You unlocked the door not because you realized what you did was horrible, but because you simply wanted to end the fire you were under from her reaction to your action. You are still not apologetic for your action. It is as if you just want her to stop being mad at you or to stop hitting the roof, as you put it. And this is problematic.

You will need to do some deep soul searching to understand why you are doing the things you are doing. Stop blaming it on concern for your wife, because it is not. Saying sorry will not fix this. You will need to take the time to analyze your unresolved feelings. Maybe it is time for you to seek therapy. This would be a good time to focus on yourself and the things you have been suppressing. Help yourself before you sabotage your union further. Give her the space she requested and let her process her pain at her own pace.

Much healing to the both of you.

 

Reference

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