Hello,
My f(20) friend m(23) wants me to wear different clothes and to tone down my outfits when we hang out. He even sent me some photos of the different clothes that he thinks would look good on me. I’m an art student, I dress like a stereotypical art student , vintage, dresses and skirts, bright colourful patterns. I wear my hair in pigtails and braids. I like what I wear and find it hard to find clothes I feel good in, so I’ve been very stubborn and ignored him.
RECURRING EVENT
The issue came up again because we were set to hang out together for the first time in months. I pressed him on why he cares so much about my clothes, and he told me that I look very young when I wear what I wear. And he looks old for his age so when we’re together he told me that he’s had odd and disgusted looks from people. One guy called him a nonce.
I didn’t know this, I’ve never had anyone say that I look really young, so I never really thought about it. It’s important to note that we live in a somewhat racist area. I am a white woman and he is a black man. He said that he looks even more predatory because of the stigma.
WHAT’LL I DO?
I don’t know what to do, on one hand I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable hanging out with me. On the other, I have a lot of body image issues, starting therapy soon, and buying different clothes than the ones I am used to wearing, and that I don’t even like will make me feel bad about myself, which may cause bad habits to resurface on my end.
What do I do?
Hello Artist,
Your friendship sounds a lot like the onset of a controlling relationship. It is not your responsibility to make someone feel comfortable, unless you are the host, and they are in your house. I would understand if you were deliberately and directly doing something to antagonize him. However, this is not the case. You are simply wearing the different outfits you like and feel comfortable in. The clothes you select need to make you feel good, not those around you. Whenever someone complains about something that does not involve them, they are dealing with the unresolved issues suppressed in their subconscious. If he feels like a pervert because you wear pigtails, this is something he needs to address with his therapist.
FASHION
Clothing is a form of expression. Our style is a vessel of communication. We tell the world who we are with each item we select and wear. There should be no exception. You should have the freedom to wear what you like. I am a bit perplexed why he is so invested in telling you how he feels about your outfits. He then takes it one step further by also taking the time to look for the different clothes he likes, and sending you the pictures. WTF? This would be too much even for a stylist you didn’t directly hire.
YOU FIRST
There should never be a world where you put the insecurities of others above your sense of comfort. I find it highly suspicious that the two of you were out together, someone called him a pervert and you never heard it. Even if that happened, one random individual should not now decide the fate of two friends. Stick to the facts and not the perceptions. You are not underage. If anyone has any problem, and they feel like they need to step in to verify you are not with a predator, you can address the incident if and when it happens.
HONESTY
The best thing you can do is to have a frank conversation with your friend. Tell him how you feel about his comments. Let him know how important it is for your self esteem and friendship that he refrains from commenting on your appearance. Ask him kindly to accept you as you are or take a trip. I have no doubt you look great. Keep wearing what you like. After all, you are the one paying for the clothes and rocking them.
Thank you
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