Question:
I pay the bulk of all of our bills in my relationship. My bf (40M) moved in with me (40F) a year ago. Since I make significantly more money than he does, I covered everything. Over the summer, his income was hurt due to COVID. Finally in September, he was able to go back to work, so he asked if he could start paying some of the household bills. He said he wasn’t comfortable not paying his share.
I didn’t want him to give me the money for the bills directly because I hate to feel like his landlord, instead of his partner. So, he took over the logins for water/sewer/garbage, electricity/gas, and cell phones. It comes to just about $600/month.
DISCOVERY
This past week, I discovered that he hasn’t paid any bill at all. We owed gobs of money and services should have been shut off except there are moratoriums due to COVID. I was able to get it squared away, but had to use credit to do so.
When this all came to light, I asked him what the hell was going on. He said he has a lot of old debt he’s taking care of, and that’s why he hasn’t paid household bills. He said he intended to get everything caught up before I found out. And he apologized a ton for lying to me.
DESTINATION UNKNOWN
I don’t know where to go from here. I love this man so much, and I want things to work out, but I don’t know how I can trust him again. How do you trust someone who lied to you for six months and was so irresponsible?
We’ve had a lot of tough conversations, but I don’t feel like I’m getting any resolution. He says he still has about $1500 worth of debt to pay off, so he’s going to pay that off completely and then start helping pay for the bills at home.
What would you do in this situation?
Dear confused,
Your relationship has many issues. From the words you use to describe it, it is evident it is not balanced. You are the dominant partner. In fact, it appears as if your relationship is that of a parent-child or guardian-minor. I am certain bills are not the only concern in this union.
Maybe it is your personality type, or maybe it is the fact that you make more money than he does. Nevertheless, you are the one calling the shots here. This is evident from your very first paragraph. You describe your earning disparity by using the word “significantly”. Nothing wrong with this. It is just hard to miss. In the same paragraph, you mention your partner “asked” you to contribute towards the bills, once he started working again. This also shows the imbalance. Had you been equal partners, he would have told you or informed you, and not asked you to pay the bills.
TIGHT LEASH
Although he moved in a year ago, he is just now getting the log-in info for the house bills. This is indicative of your grip or of how short you keep the leash. Also, if you are the one who set up the bills, how come you are not getting email alerts when the bills are getting paid or are past due? You went from being in total control to completely taking your foot off the gas. This should teach you in the future to remain involved in anything that involves you. If your credit, or reputation, or future is involved, you should always keep track.
You asked how someone else would handle what happened. If I were the one in your shoes, I would have never trusted anyone to be responsible for my credit. That is just not something I can let anyone be in charge with, ever. I would have asked him to hand me the cash, regardless of giving him the landlord impression, and made the payment myself. Your relationship is not a fair partnership anyways, so why worry about the perceptions?
WHO AM I…WITH?
Your boyfriend also has a lot to learn, if he thinks debt comes before basic household bills. At the age of forty, he should know priorities. Why would he offer to pay the bills, when what he wanted to do was catch up on the outstanding balances he has? He then proceeded to lie to you about what he was up to. This shows me he is intimidated by you. He first was scared to tell you he had a lot of debt. After, he was afraid to tell you he was not paying the bills, understandably.
I would not want to be with someone I would have to parent. I also would want to know the person I am with practices honesty with me. All this could have been avoided had he simply said, “babe- because I have not been working for so long, I have a lot of debt. Can you hold us down a little longer, while i finish paying those off, and I will take over the house bills”. I am sure you would have appreciated it more.
Decide whether you can or cannot be with someone you cannot trust. Ask yourself if you are fine with now having to pay these bills, plus the interest on the credit cards you used, when you could have avoided the entire thing. While you are there, also ask yourself how long would this have gone on, had you not found out. Six months is a long time to not pay bills, especially primary ones. Sometimes love is just not enough. There are certain things in a relationship that cannot be tolerated. Betrayal. Irresponsibility. Breach of trust. Abuse. Disrespect. Negativity. Neediness. Your man is guilty of at least four. You decide if you want to go down the list, and check all of them off.
Best of luck.
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