Help,
I am a sex addict. Being that I am a mid 40s single woman with almost no friends or close relationships, I feel VERY lonely. Yet, I don’t seem to be able to form lasting friendships or bonds. My only “pleasure” and “connection” is a decades long addiction to meeting strange men online, having sex with them, letting them treat me like a worthless object, and then feeling both good and horrible about myself.
I am sure it’s because it’s the only way I know to get attention or semi-affection, but I wish I could stop. Fridays and Saturdays, I will spend all evening online or on phone apps, sexting with strangers , and then invite one or two or sometimes three of them back to my place for meaningless yet erotic sex. I feel sadder and lonelier after every encounter, but my life is so empty otherwise I don’t know what else to do. I’m also an alcoholic and a drug addict, which probably plays into it. Thank you
Hello Dear,
It appears that you are dealing with a case of comorbidity or concurring addiction, which may be the main reason why you are unable to form lasting relationships, rather than because you are personally incapable. Addictions that are present alongside each other create a significant problem by damaging the person, the relationship with their loved ones and their quality of life.
Any form of addiction has the tendency to create isolation, anxiety and depression in the individual’s life. The use of drugs, along with the practicing of excessing drinking and sex with random strangers, are all things that cannot be practiced out in the open, thus the reason for your isolation.If you are not fully isolated, then you are surrounded with other dysfunctional individuals with the same lifestyle. People tend to turn to drugs and alcohol to cope with pain and trauma. You most likely have been through something that has affected you severely. And now, you are using the substances to numb yourself.
SEX, DRUGS AND ALCOHOL
When these three elements are paired with each other, they can lead to the erratic and dangerous behaviors you mentioned above, because they have a tendency to reinforce each other. The substances suppress inhibition making it easier to talk to people we ordinarily would not. It is going to be hard for you to control your impulses because you are not making the choice to be with someone consciously. You are sexting and choosing these partners after being under the influence. This puts your life at risk because you are not able to screen the people you are interacting with well. Anyone can show up to your residence. Just because you have been lucky in the past ten years, it doesn’t mean you will continue to be lucky in meeting someone who just wants sex.
BREAKING THE HABIT
Your desire to save your life must exceed that for the substances and physical gratification. Sex is definitely exciting and rewarding, but if you are doing it under the influence with strangers, you may end up catching a disease or getting pregnant. Perhaps, you could start with feeling affection for yourself by showing yourself a little TLC once a week. If your tendency is to get high and meet with strangers on the weekend, select one day where you are not seeing anyone, drinking or using any drugs. This addiction you have is a habit you created. Study shows habits can be learned and unlearned. Why not start with just a day of sobriety?
REACHING OUT
You mentioned you have been struggling with sex addiction and substance abuse for over a decade. By now, your brain has been rewired from the substances and practice you have been abusing, therefore it functions differently than it used to. You will need to reach out to find someone who can help you manage your condition. Of course this will not be easy, and It will be a life-long battle. But it is also not impossible. There are plenty of people who have done it.
By tapping into a community you will find the support to help you get through this. Perhaps this sense of loneliness may subside, if you join a therapy group like alcoholics, sexaholic, or narcotics anonymous. Remember that loneliness is just a feeling and not a reality. You can change your circumstances and your quality of life by doing the work. However, you must be willing not only to make the change but to do the work. I hope you get well and find the peace you deserve.
Take care
Reference
https://www.psychforums.com
