HELLO,
Last night I discovered my husband was sexually abused by his uncle when he was 8. My (41f) husband (44m) and I have been together for around 30 years. We were close childhood friends then teenage lovers so I feel like I’ve always known him. Last night his uncle passed away and he didn’t react at all. I found it really odd because when we were growing up I remember his uncle around him all the time but I figured that was normal. His uncle’s death came as a big shock as it happened so suddenly, so I thought the complete lack of emotion or even tears was due to shock.
Finally Gone
After he drank a whole bottle of wine, he told me he’s glad the man was finally gone because of how his uncle used to abuse him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, he went into a lot of detail but I had to ask him to stop as it was so heartbreaking. How can anyone do such awful things to an 8 year old who is family? It brings a lot of tears when I think about what he had to go through. Even though I knew him back then, I didn’t know his uncle was sexually abusing him. I don’t know if I could have even understood it had he told me when I was a girl.
Do I?
Tonight I’m going to order takeout, sit with him, and have a conversation about it. It’s all very confusing because I thought I knew everything about him, but it turns out he was hiding all this for so long. I don’t know why he felt he had to hide it from me, when he knows I would never let this stop me from loving him. If anything, I want to know more, and learn whether there is anything I can do to help him. I don’t know where I’m going with this. It just feels like I’m in a dream state where nothing is real. I feel like I should speak to his mother, too, and ask if she knows her son was being sexually abused by his uncle, but I don’t know if it’s my place to do something like that
Hello,
Do not tell his mother. This is something only he can share with others. You do not have the right to discuss your husband’s abuse at the hand of his uncle with anyone. What would be the reason for you to share this information with his mother? Have you thought about how this may make him feel? It took him thirty years to share it with you. This should show you it is not something easy for him to talk about.
People who have been sexually abused can, at times, have their ability to form personal relationships negatively impacted. His choice not to share this information with anyone is -without a doubt- deeply rooted and justified.
TOO LATE
It is a shame your husband didn’t get a chance to confront his uncle, that would have helped him begin his healing process. Unfortunately, one of the devastating effects of sexual abuse is the arresting of development the child goes through. This often leaves them feeling helpless, confused and afraid in front of their abuser as they were when they were young. After all, most children are betrayed by those who should be guiding, protecting and loving them, yet they take advantage of them in the most irreparable way.
Those who do get a chance to confront their abusers very seldom find an apology or justice. Instead their accusations are fended off as ridiculous and exaggerated. Worst, some survivors are even made the culprit by being accused of being too fast or the seducers of the adult, as if that were possible.
PANDORA’S BOX
Because sexual abuse often happens at the hands of a someone close to the family, reporting it can seem like opening Pandora’s box. Families are torn between those who believe the survivor and those who do not. The victim may be further hurt by family members who choose to ignore their pain in the hopes things will just disappear. It is easier for them to look the other way rather than to admit someone in their family or community is a sexual predator. Some family members may even take it to the extreme, and support the abuser rather than the victim.
There is no turning back, once these things come out. Imagine how difficult it is going to be for you to tell his mother, especially if it was her brother to do this to her son, now that he is gone and she cannot do anything about it. How guilty is she going to feel knowing she failed the ultimate parental duty, which is to protect one’s child. These feelings of guilt, hurt, despair, letdown can be more than some families can bear.
SHOULDER TO CRY ON
Don’t take your husband not sharing this with you personally. Some of these survivors have spent their entire life denying the feelings of pain the experience has left them with. Addressing these emotions means reliving the experience, which many -understandably- prefer no to.
The best help you can provide your husband is to be there for him, and listen. You may also want to suggest the idea of seeing a therapist to help him process the pain. If you are not able to afford one, there are many organizations who are willing to cover the cost. However, all your husband needs from you right now is a shoulder to lean on. Leave his mother out of this and focus on being a good listener.
Take care of him and yourself.
