Hello,

My sister will end up in the system if I don’t take her in, but my boyfriend does not want her here.

Basically my mother (45F) is not capable of holding down a job, is no longer receiving housing assistance, and she’s about to get kicked out of where she is currently living with my sister. My sister’s dad is on chemo and does not have his own house, so she isn’t able to stay with him. My mother has given up, and she insists that she and my sister will just live in her van.

There is literally no one in our family with a house or money to help take care of them. My mother is also overwhelmingly negative and unreasonable. Someone would have to be a saint to be able to handle living with her.

 

EITHER, OR

So I feel very conflicted. I do not under any circumstances want anything bad to happen to my little sister. I don’t want her to have to deal with my mother’s bullshit. I wish that I had the money to just buy my mom a house and send them both to therapy. I’m also upset. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my sister so much and I am not a selfish person. But why should the responsibility have to fall on me because my mother is unable to handle her life. I do not have my own children. Simply because I am not financially stable enough to take care of another person.

 

RESENTMENT

I don’t want to be in a situation that feels like I’m choosing my boyfriend over my sister. My boyfriend is a very kind and intelligent man. He does have a temper sometimes, and does lack on responsibilities. But overall we have a great relationship.

I never asked him to be responsible for my sister. We don’t have kids, so I understand why he would be uncomfortable suddenly having a child with us under our care. But it makes me feel resentful toward him. He didn’t say he would break up with me, just that he couldn’t live with me if that happened. I can not afford to pay rent by myself, let alone add a kid’s expenses to that. It seems very unfair that he feels it would be necessary to leave me, if things come to this. I’m already so stressed about what’s to come when my mom has to move out.

 

ANYBODY ELSE?

I’m not looking for people to attack my boyfriend, and make him out to be a horrible person. There is a lot of confusion about what to do. I wish I could be responsible for my sister, but I also don’t feel it’s fair for me to be the one responsible for her. It is unfair for me to have to halt my personal life and relationships because my mother decided to have kids she can’t take care of. I love my sister so much but I just can’t see what decision I’m supposed to make.

What would anyone else might do in this situation. Please don’t tell me I’m a bad person for even considering not taking care of my sister. This is something that I constantly think about and have anxiety over every day. I feel like I’m abandoning her. It’s just not fair that parents do this to their kids.

Thank you.

 

Hello big sis,

 

If I had to choose between my boyfriend and my sister, I would always choose her. You can find another boyfriend, but you have only one little sister. It is certainly not right for you to be responsible for the upbringing of your sibling, but think about how unfair it is for a child to be in this situation. You have better coping skills than she does.

 

GLASS HALF FULL/EMPTY

This is a burden only if you see it that way. However, if you are the type of person that sees a challenge and rises up to it, this could be something that can break you open into self-discovery.

Your boyfriend has nothing to do with this situation. He can stick around and help or he can take a hike. If my sister needed me, (and she has had) I would work 3,4,5 jobs to make sure she is safe and with me. There is no way I would let her go into any system, not while I am able and alive.

 

INSIGHT

Also, think about what your boyfriend’s reaction says him. He is definitely not a life partner because taking care of family members is part of life’s course. This man is already showing you that he is not someone you can go through ebbs and flows with. He only wants to experience the good. You said yourself he is not someone reliable. That means you know he is not someone even you can count on, so what kind of future are you building with him?

You know you are with someone solid when in moments like this they rise to the occasion by saying ‘baby, we got this, she can sleep on the couch and she will be safe here’. This is a good glimpse into who you are with. Nevertheless, because he is just your boyfriend, he can choose to be there for you in your times of need or opt not to. You are her sister; you must be there for her.

 

FRUITS OF LABOR

You only have about 3 years of sacrifice before she can start helping you, and taking care of herself by working as a babysitter, in some ice-cream shop, a bookstore etc. If you are the type of person that is struggling to make ends meet, maybe it is because you are not fully aware of your potential.

This could be life’s way of introducing you to yourself by exposing you to pressure. Think about how you would want things to be if the roles were reversed. Would you not want her step up and take care of you? Do not let your sister go in the system. You have what it takes to care for her. Skip meals if you have to, but make sure she has a place to sleep and two meals to eat. That is all you have to do, and the government can assist you with that.

You can do this. I promise you, big sis!