Hello,
I have been involved in a toxic affair with a married man (MM). I broke it off for good this time, going No Contact. I hope that in writing this, it will remind me and maybe help others to see why affairs are toxic and why ultimately it doesn’t matter how it ends nor whether it was real love or not. It doesn’t matter if that person still thinks of you or not. What matters really is that we need to not allow ourselves to be in toxic relationships. And, that ending an affair really is positive though it hurts.
TOXIC AFFAIR
A Toxic affair consumes all your emotional energy. I don’t know if this is common, but as a MW, I could not compartmentalize. I was willing to blow up my whole life to be with him. Not only was I willing to, but I WANTED to. This was my sense of loyalty and love, maybe even a bit of morality thrown in? I was consumed by this relationship.
I listened to his professions of love that we were meant to be and that he would never find another – sex, bonding, all those delicious chemicals in the brain, they trick us. We both fell in love, but it was a love built on adrenaline, forbidden interactions, and the chemicals that flood our bodies and brains. We both meant it, but that does not make it healthy. In the end, I was willing to leave my marriage, but he was not, yet he did not want to let the relationship go. Our relationship consumed my thoughts daily. It made me desperately want to change my entire life. This is toxic.
LIES
Toxic Affairs are built on lies. There are so many lies. When I was with my AP, I chose to believe it was just us, and that love was all that mattered. We lied to our spouses. We convinced ourselves that we were open with each other, and that we knew each other completely. But that was just a lie. I don’t even know what cereal he eats nor when he takes a dump.
The only thing I know is what he showed me when we were together, and what he chose to tell me over text. I chose to forget that we have spouses and kids at home. Till one day, I saw him unexpectedly in public and I realized that we only lived in secret, in darkness. I had deceived myself that I was in a real relationship with him. Ultimately, we cannot trust each other. We both are liars, willing to lie to get what we want. We even lie to ourselves by not admitting we are the type of people who might cheat. Neither of us thought we were capable of cheating. That’s how deeply our brains can lie to ourselves.
ALL IN
A Toxic affair is neither fulfilling nor whole. As I distanced from my husband, I changed my life to accommodate MM’s schedule. I would drop everything to spend time with him. These were few and far in between, but meanwhile, we would text or spend time online together. These were moments I should have been spending with my family and friends, the ones who exist in daylight. Instead, I was like an addict, my sole focus was on MM and our time together.
The feelings of “love” are addictive, but real, good relationships do not exist on breadcrumbs. The intermittent attention, the phone calls only he could initiate, the times spent together built around his schedule made me obsessive. I was often wondering when I would be able to spend time together next. One should be able to sleep next to the person they love, and not have to share them with another. Breadcrumb love is not love. So, I started to wonder if I deserved to have a full relationship.
TIPPED SCALE
A Toxic affair makes you feel off-balance. After a few months, I realized that this relationship was not what I wanted, and I broke it off -a few times. When he had problems at home, he would break it off (ghosting me twice), but then he would text me and we would resume. The sex, emotional connection, physical connection was powerful. Every time we broke up, he convinced me it was better to stay together than not. He could always convince me to get back together, and I allowed it.
We had these cycles of breaking up and coming back together. He also oscillated hot and cold. And since many of our interactions were over text, it made me obsess over everything. There was a lot of push and pull. Good, healthy relationships should not have this pull/push cycle. I felt off-balance. He sometimes blamed me for being off-balance, as if being in an affair was something that should make people feel balanced!! Feeling off-balance is toxic. I am still struggling to forget him. How do I move on?
Dear MW,
Women who become mistresses intrigue me. Whenever I come across one, I take the time to listen to her. Through active listening I learned there are two common threads. First one is Mother Nature. Some men are predators. Every predator knows it’s pray. You will never see a cheetah hunt a lion.
You were the limping gazelle in the Serengeti. Perhaps you had reached a plateau in your relationship, as most marriages do, and you were seeking attention and validation, which he provided, and in exchange he made you his Ejaculation Station. (Sorry about the imagery).
He manipulated you by using words like love, a future together, and the classic “you will never find another like me”. You should see it clearly now you were being played like a fiddle, because you were the only one who was willing to risk it all. He never planned on leaving his wife. He only wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. And you baked, cut and served it.
MIND OVER MATTER
The second one is the state of mind. The woman is either broken and easily manipulated or not self-assured. A married man will not be able to convince a confident woman to be his mistress. He will not even bring up the topic because he knows she simply will not allow anyone to make her a secret. She will not accept to be second to anyone. She will not lower herself to accept to suck the D that someone else was spitting on the night before (again, sorry to be graphic but it is the hardcore truth)
In your letter you talk about a sense of loyalty and love, which I highly doubt you practiced. Had you done so, you would have been the first beneficiary, and your family the second. Had you felt love, and I am talking about the pure, peaceful, and light-filled emotion, you would have not allowed toxicity in your vicinity. The two cannot co-exist. We often mistake infatuation with love, but love is pure and does not harm. And if ever in doubt, consult the emotion you have for your children, and you will see.
PROGRESS
At the end of paragraph five of your letter, you question, “Breadcrumb love is not love. I started to wonder if I deserved to have a full relationship”. Here my dear is the root of all the evil. Not knowing our worth and what we deserve. Had you known, you would not have questioned it, and he would not have used you. The feeling of being off-balance was life’s way of trying to remind you your worth. You gave him more weight than yourself and tipped the scale on one side. His.
“Every time we broke up, he convinced me it was better that we be together than not. He could always convince me to get back together with him and I allowed it”. This is manipulation at its finest. When someone convinces you to override your decision and implement theirs. Regardless of how hard and late it is, I am certain you can now see he was in charge the entire time.
It may be hard to let go of something you are used to. Yet, it is doable. I hope you stay on this course, and rid yourself of the toxic affair you have allowed in your life for so long. The best news is that you did not lose your family, which I am glad to hear. I am happy to see you on this side of life. No matter what happened, this will eventually become a lesson. You will learn to never allow anyone to make you second to none, again. This may be a lesson to the next undecided woman who is considering becoming someone’s mistress to guard her state of mind. And above everything else, to know one’s worth. You are one of a kind. There is no second place for you. Ever!
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