Hi,
I just discovered that my boyfriend has been lying about his age for the past three years.
I’m 33 and here is bit of backstory. I went on a working holiday from the UK to Canada when I was 30. Shortly after I arrived, I ended up meeting a group of 5 people. We spent a lot of time together. We were all in our late twenties to early thirties age range.
One of them became my boyfriend – who even joked at the time, when we all told each other our ages, by saying “oh I’m 50”. Of course, we all laughed. He then said he was 35. No one thought otherwise, as we all looked fairly young for our ages, anyway. So, the “5 year age gap” at the time was no big deal to me. My previous boyfriend had been 5 years younger.
RED FLAGS
I noticed on odd occasions he would not let me see his ID (we got ID’d a lot at bars), but I didn’t think anything of it, apart from maybe he thinks that him being 5 years older might be a big deal? I just trusted he was what he said he was (of course). Occasionally though, I would notice little things… like he’d tell me dates of things in his life and in my mind, they wouldn’t add up. Sometimes, the things he says happened ‘a few years ago’ didn’t quite make sense to the timeline he’d given me….
Thought it was a bit weird he had anti-aging skin moisturizer in his bathroom cabinet. I never met any of his friends – apart from when we bumped into them at events or festivals. Initially, I didn’t think anything of it but did notice they all had kids who were around 5 to 12 years old (again, not uncommon for people in their thirties). He does not have any photos in his apartment, but he did show me a select few on his phone from when he was at university.
GUT FEELING
So last week, after almost 3 years of dating, I noticed he had left his wallet on his kitchen table. I have no idea what gave me the urge to do this, but whilst he was in the bathroom, I just decided I wanted to look at his driving license…. I was stunned. It said year of birth 1975. Not 1983, as I had always thought. Which meant a 13-year age gap, instead of just 5.
I didn’t know what to do apart from put back the wallet and pretend it never happened. This betrayal has had me struggling to sleep ever since. I have told friends – and even my mum, who thinks he didn’t have bad intentions by lying about his age – that he just wanted to fit in from the start. But the fact he lied and tried to hide it is still worrying, and she isn’t keen on the big age gap.
CONFRONTATION
I’m now in a situation where I need to tell him that I know, but it’s so difficult to make myself do it. My friends wonder what else he has lied about…. he told me he was with his previous partner for 9 years/engaged, and now I wonder if he was in fact married/divorced.
Also, he has said things to me like, if I ever accidentally got pregnant with him it would be a blessing, and insinuated he’d love to have a kid, and a family, and for us to get a house. Now I see it’s because time isn’t particularly on his side, being nearer 50, whereas I feel like I have a lot of time to still do and see things without that pressure.
I don’t know what to do. This is so hard. I did love him, but now I know the truth, despite age just ‘being a number’ I feel less respected and less respecting of him, in turn. I just don’t know how to handle this. We had lots of plans to travel later in the year, yet I know his secret now, and I feel things have changed. We get on so well together though, as a couple. Even if this is repairable, I feel the 13 years difference is still an issue….
Hello my dear,
Three years is a long time to be with someone who has been deceitful by lying about his age. There is much left unsaid in your letter. You are are either missing or not mentioning serious relationship benchmarks. Here are a few just the top of my head:
Why has he not introduced to his family?
Have none of his friends ever invited you over to their place?
How are you fine with someone now showing you their ID for three years?
If you travelled often, how did you never see his passport?
How have you not ever attended any of his office parties?
Why are you not brining up things when they do not add up?
IT TAKES TWO
You cannot deny you were indirectly an accomplice in this scheme. There were many red flags you consciously chose to ignore; therefore, the blame cannot rest solely on him. What made you afraid of him? Your story just does not add up to me, and it has more to do with you than him. Based on your letter, you are stating that for three years, the two of you were just with each other, and other than by accident, you never interacted with each other’s support system. None of your friends met this man? You never invited him to meet your family? If so, why did you date in secrecy? Your screening skills are a little concerning.
There is much to be afraid of, of a person who is willing to lie about as something simple as their age. I want to bring this up because if you are planning on confronting him about his lies, you might want to consider doing it in a public place. In case he is the type who loses it. You also want to have an outline of the discussion ready. What are you going to ask him and what are you going to accept as a justification for lying about his age? Is “I was scared of losing you” going to work as an excuse? Also, was there ever a timeline for when the truth would have been discussed?
CLARITY
It is important for you to have a clear understanding of what you want before seeking answers. Are you still interested in pursuing a relationship with this man? If you are uncomfortable with being with someone who is over a decade older than you, what are you hoping to gain from the confrontation? I understand that you have feelings for him, but the lie about his age is not the only issue in the relationship. There are several other factors you two have not established as a couple, and there is no explanation why. You may want to look at the relationship in its entirety and not just focus on the fact that he has been lying about his age.
Whatever you do, if you want to address this issue, make sure you are not alone when you are having the talk. A nice restaurant or pub would be ideal. Also, do not accept the first answer he gives you as you have done previously. Really challenge him and do not stop until all your questions have a satisfactory explanation.
Please keep up posted, as I would love to know what he will come up with.
Best of luck.
Refece
https://www.loveshack.org/forums
