Hello,

I could go into a long drawn out backstory, but I will try to just dive right into the current situation and scenario… My boyfriend has been asking me to lose weight since April. I have been yo-yo’ing with the diet and weight. He has broken up with me behind it 3 times. He is actually an AMAZING man. He’s so good to me. His only ask is for me to lose weight and stay in shape. That is hard for me to do because I’m an emotional eater. The constant mention of my weight is spiraling me into a depression. I feel like the worst person in the world…. not because I hate my body so much as I hate that he doesn’t tolerate me unconditionally. He gave me an ultimatum today… lose weight or end it tonight.

Not a bad guy

I’m 5’4″ 170lbs. I’m not outrageously overweight…. but I could lose about 30lbs. He is not a bad guy at all and I didn’t intend to paint that picture of him. He just likes women that are in good shape physically. I’ve never been a very skinny girl. I’m from the south where we love food. Lol I do have some issues with my weight and traumas in my past that lead me to see a counselor for a while. I do want to lose weight and I have every intention on starting it right after Christmas, but he says that if I don’t change it immediately then I don’t love him or want this relationship.

I know he doesn’t have the intentions of hurting me, but the avenues that he is going down are hurtful. He throws out the option of him being with other women if I don’t lose weight, breaking up, and lets me know that I will never find another man that doesn’t cheat. He uses manipulative techniques, but those techniques spin me into a depression. I just feel like I’m in a vicious cycle. I am going grocery shopping and have every intention of trying to lose weight, but a part of me wonders if he deserves me when I’m at my best when he doesn’t accept me at my worst.

Dear Southern Bell,

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your situation with us.

About 65% of American adults are overweight. Growing up, you developed unhealthy eating habits and life’s traumas only pushed you deeper into the precipice.

Now, you have been dating a man who has issues with your weight. You claim that he is kind to you, and his only problem in this relationship is your weight. I often think about relationships such as yours. How are they formed and sustained? What was the pretense when they started? How did they turn to this? Why did they turn to this? What is the purpose of dating someone you ultimately are not attracted to and making their life miserable for not being what you want them to be? I believe when you met him, you were exactly who you are now, and since you started dating, he broke up with you three times over your weight, which makes no sense.

The first concerning aspect of your relationship is the abusive nature your boyfriend adopts to get what he wants. For change to occur, we must engage in actions our brain perceives as rewards, not as additional traumas. If boyfriend wants you to lose weight, threatening you is not going to help.

 

WOOMEN: BEWARE OF THESE INFAMOUS WORDS

Words like “you will never find another man that doesn’t cheat. I am the only one who loves you. Nobody will ever want you. No one will believe you”, are problematic as they provide insight into one’s abusive tendencies. It is the nature of the beast to lacerate the identity of its victim by tearing them down until their self-worth is replaced with self-doubt. Are we now to believe he is the only non-cheating man on planet earth? Is his state of mind this disconnected? The main message such statements convey is that you are worthless, and you should be grateful someone (in this case your boyfriend) feels pity to keep you; which is not the case at all. You have worth, hence why he is with you.

Should I stay or should I go?

It is easy for any of us to tell you to leave him immediately and find someone who loves you as you are. However, we are adults and by now we should all know things are not so easy. Your life may be tied to his for numerous reasons, otherwise you would have already pulled the plug.

There is an elephant in the room no one wants to see, and like anything you ignore, it will continue to grow till you no longer can. The elephant in your case is verbal abuse. When there is a problem in a relationship, both parties need to come together to acknowledge, discuss and resolve the matter. Threats do not resolve anything. As you stated, they lead you to binge eating. Eating is a defense and coping mechanism for you, and despite you calling him a great boyfriend, you would not be resorting to eating and spiraling out of control if he were as great as you claim him to be.

Options

Here are your options. You can decide to continue to be in this relationship, thus seek help to communicate better by reaching out to a therapist and doing the work it takes to build a healthy relationship. Another option would be to tell him you love yourself as you are, and if he is to stay in this relationship, he has to love you for the way you are, or you accept things as they are by putting up with his threats, manipulation and become the woman he wants you to be. Right now, he is taking full advantage of his power, which in his case is only the fact that he is not overweight. He is holding you hostage.

Do you like yourself as you are? Are you healthy, active, and engaged in life? That is all that will matter at the end of your journey. You have had many bodies up to this point in your life. Once upon a time you were an infant, a toddler, a child, a teenager, a young adult and now a woman. You will one day become a middle-aged woman, then a senior citizen, and throughout all these seismic changes I want you to know your body is only your host. It is the hotel room you have booked. You can upgrade it and change it, anytime, but you and only you get to decide that.

I wish you a serene journey, whatever or whomever you decide to be.