I’ve (32f) been hurting for the past few weeks trying to figure out what this means and what I should do. For some context, my bf (32m) and I have been seeing each other for almost a year and a half and we’ve had conversations about the kinds of things we want for our own future without too much pressure to decide if we’re ready to do those things together, but a few weeks ago I asked him if he ever thought about living together. To this he replied without hesitation that he didn’t, like he didn’t think about it at all..

I tried asking more questions, but it seemed he just didn’t want to open up and he said things like he hasn’t lived alone for very long and he appreciates his alone time. About a week or so went by and I brought up how much it hurt me to hear him say he doesn’t envision a future for us at all and asked questions about how he felt which seemed to make him uncomfortable. He eventually said he’s just not ready to make plans for the future and that he doesn’t want to hurt me. That he’s just in a place of whatever happens, happens. This conversation might have been more heartbreaking than the first. I’ve tried to understand this from multiple perspectives, but I’ve outgrown that mentality of, ‘lets just see what happens.’

In my experiences in the past, when a guy says something along the lines of, ‘whatever happens, happens’ they usually mean they aren’t going to make a future happen and thats not really something they desire with me.

 

Hello my dear,

 

Sorry to hear you are hurting over BF’s answer. I know it is harder to hear a maybe rather than a no. Unfortunately, most decisions are still one sided; in other words: men make all the decisions.

Although it seems as though his was vague, to a pair of listening ears he was clear. He has said to you:

• He appreciates his alone time, which translates to no I do not want to live with you.
• He has no plans for the future…with you. He has plans for him. We all do, so you can be sure he does as well.
• He does not want to hurt you, which means I do not want to be with you in the future, but I am too much of a coward to say so, because I cannot handle confrontation.

TO EACH THEIR OWN

Please understand there is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone but still keeping things separate. Some couples prefer to have their own place and not move together, just like others want to be life partners and married. Each couple needs to sit down and discuss what type of relationship they are comfortable with.

“In my experiences in the past, when a guy says something along the lines of, ‘whatever happens, happens’ they usually mean they aren’t going to make a future happen and that’s not really something they desire with me”. This part of your letter shows you have been in this position before. The question now is what did you learn from the past, and why is it not being applied here? A famous person said “never let a man tell you he doesn’t want you twice”. The truth is simple. He does not feel the same way you do, and there is nothing wrong with that. What would be wrong is to sit there and live in a situationship where he is the only one who gets to make decisions.

Take back your power. I suggest you expand your options. Cast a wider net. We all deserve to be with someone who is thrilled to make future plans we can execute together. Why not date him and continue searching?

TAKE ACTION

Do not just sit and be hurt. Act and give yourself options. In case you have not noticed, he is. Him not wanting to move in together is not the end of the world. What would be detrimental is if you let him waste the best years of your thighs. I would sit with him one last time, and let him know at 32, what happens, happens is not acceptable. Share with him what you want and ask him if there are any needs of his you are not meeting. If not, what is the need to happen for him to commit? You need clarity, and you have the right to answers. At 32, he should not be making decisions for you.

You must be the master of your ship. Learn how to ask for what you want. If this is not where you can get it, why wait? I know in the depths of your soul you know what is going on here is a problem. Otherwise you would not seek advice. It makes no sense to seek advice if it is not applied. You want someone who gets down on his knees and begs you to marry him. Find him, and don’t ever settle for que sera-sera.

Reference

He said, ‘whatever happens, happens’ after being together for over a year from relationship_advice