We’ve been together for 3 years and it’s only been happening for a few months now. He’s a sweet, usually supportive guy, and I feel like he has no idea how his comments come across. I’ve tried resolving this issue by talking to him about it (a lot), but it’s not getting better. He doesn’t seem to understand how mean some of the stuff he says is and how bad it is for my self-esteem. This might be because I hate confrontation and haven’t been able to get my point across in a way he can understand.

I first noticed when we were cooking dinner together one evening. He’s been teaching me how to cook, and I’ve got a great memory so I’ve been following his instructions to the tee. But suddenly, I was doing it completely wrong according to him. He showed me the “right way” to do it and it was the opposite of what he’d taught me before. It kept happening again and again, and he denied ever teaching me anything else.

Grammar, please

Then, he started correcting me when I talk. If I use a wrong word, or speak too hastily and mix up two words, he interrupts me in the middle of a sentence and says “you made a mistake”. At first, I was like “yeah, as I was saying…” and ignored it, but he would interrupt me again and point out exactly what I did wrong and wait for me to acknowledge it and correct myself. He doesn’t do this with any kind of attitude or in a mean way, but it’s extremely off-putting anyway, especially how he words it.

He also makes a lot of comments when I talk. He interrupts me constantly, doesn’t let me finish sentences, and explains it away by saying I never get to the point anyway, he’s bored, or he just doesn’t feel like listening right now. Again, he doesn’t do it in a mean, openly rude way, more jokingly. He always says I shouldn’t take him so seriously and he’s just joking around because he knows I don’t mind. But I DO mind, and the result is the same, whether it’s a joke or not: I don’t want to keep talking to someone who constantly interrupts me and has that little respect for me, especially considering I patiently listen to him when he’s talking and would never be so rude.

I want to stress that this is new. He’s never done this in the past. What would you do in this situation, how would you address these issues?

Dear soon to be single girl,

Your letter begins with outlining a change in behavior in your boyfriend in the past few months. I am sad to hear your attempts to resolve this issue have fallen on deaf ears. The reason your boyfriend is not changing his behavior is not because you hate confrontation, since in this case, it is not needed. Your approach to the issue is correct. You sat down and calmly told him how his actions affect you. The reason is because he does not care.

The first thing that stands out from your letter is a codependent relationship. The distribution of power is not equal. He is the one in charge. In a healthy relationship, both partners teach something to one another. Here, you mention he is teaching you how to cook. Ordinarily, we tend to learn a few things from others, and as adults continue to pursue the learning on our own, such us by watching YouTube videos. It is perfectly normal for someone to learn something new and put their twist in it. If he wants the meal to be cooked exactly as he does it, then he should make it.

Correction

If we are not a native speaker of the language used in communication, there is nothing wrong with being corrected. Matter of fact, the sooner the better to avoid forming the habit. However, you seem fluent in English, and based on your letter, it appears he is not listening to what you are saying but to how you are saying it. This shows an air of superiority, which goes back to reinforce the disparity in power distribution.

Interruption someone while they are speaking is bad form and it is dismissive. When we interrupt someone, we are practically telling them what they are saying is not as important as what we are about to. Maybe you do tend to over explain yourself but telling our partner we are bored of hearing them is not a respectful.

Just Kidding

Saying to someone “I am joking” after stating something hurtful is a coward’s retreat. He is not joking when he says these things to you, otherwise you would both be laughing. You said it right. You are dealing with a partner who has little respect for you. Now is the time to assess a few things because my guess is, he is starting to exit this relationship.

I understand you are not confrontational. Nevertheless, you can still be mature and honest. Ask him:

• I have taken notice a change in your behavior. You are less than patient with me. May I ask what about me is causing this irritation?
• I have addressed with you, more than once, the effect of your criticism. Is there a reason why you are failing to acknowledge and correct your behavior towards me?
• When I am speaking and confiding, why is what I am saying not more important than how I am saying it?

Listen very well to his answers for each question. Do not accept excuses. Seek answers. If he tries to dismiss the conversation or joke, stand firm, and let him know that until you receive an adult and mature answer to your questions, there will be no other communication. Assert your power, for he has no problem practicing his.

Best of luck.

 

Reference

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/600409-boyfriend-is-highly-critical-of-me/