Question: I have been dating my boyfriend since the past eight months and I am in love with him. He has a female best friend from his college time but their friendship seems unusual to me. He ditches our plans to meet her on weekends. Whenever I call him late at night, his phone is busy as he is talking to her. That girl knows about me but does not like talking to me. When I shared my concern with him, he assured me that she is just a friend. In fact, he even called me “conservative and insecure” one day because I found him chatting with her when we were out on a date. The thing is that even I have male friends but I do not give them this type of special treatment. Am I thinking too much or is there actually something brewing between both? By Anonymous

Hello Anonymous,

Your situation is no stranger to young couples who are either dating or married. Eight months is still just the start of a relationship, and this phase should not be riddled with these concerns. I cannot stress enough the importance of establishing boundaries when we first enter a relationship. Establishing them, however, does not mean we need to deny others their freedom or lose ours. Two individuals must be headed in a similar direction for relationships to work.

Boundaries

Every relationship should start with what is expected out of each individual, what will not be tolerated, what are the goals of this union and when is their timeline. Who are the people we care about in our lives? What are our partner’s expectations when it comes to interacting with them? How will disagreements or conflicts be handled when they arise with them? I bring all these points up because it is concerning his friend knows about you, but not you, and does not want to talk to you, yet that is simply fine with him…

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I once had a conversation with someone much older. What I learned is that the best way to know if someone cares about you is to see how much of their time, they are willing to give you. It appears from your letter she is the benefactor of his affections and not you. People do not dismiss the concerns of those they love. They acknowledge them.

Beware of “insecure”

Whenever you are having an argument with your partner about someone else, and they respond by saying it is all in your head, there is nothing happening and you are just being insecure, please know there is an 80% YOU are right. Calling someone insecure is a great way to turn the table on them and make them feel confused. It is an easy copout from a situation. It makes you question your instincts and your perceptions, which you should never do. Even if there was nothing happening, name calling should not be allowed. Had your boyfriend valued your concerns, he would have asked how to reassure you best. Eight months is a short time to be having all these issues. I would ask you to challenge yourself by asking why do you accept the behavior? What power do you have to change your circumstance? And finally, what do you want in a partner?

I will leave you by wishing you serenity. Life is, too, short to deal with unnecessary pain. You should know that love is free and pure. When someone loves you, you are always their priority. Your wellbeing and emotional stability are of the outmost importance to them. Find and give your heart to someone who will cherish you.