This is probably the dumbest post here, and I feel humiliated to even write this, but I just want to vent, confirm my views and share this with somebody.
So, not even two full weeks ago I met someone online. He seemed funny, intelligent and we just clicked and talked for long hours. Right away, he told me he was divorced with one daughter and now they have shared custody. He told me he had been a gambler before but after his daughter was born, he stopped and is not even considering it because he loves his daughter.
A few days into us talking, he told me how his ex-wife had asked the social services not to allow the little girl to spend time at his home because, as he says, he was late a couple f times in returning her to her mom’s. He said he needs money to fight for this, money which he doesn’t have.
So, this is when the first alarm in my head went off, but I said whatever, he maybe just sharing his concerns with somebody.
Fast forward last night. He texts me saying he wants to ask for something and then goes on saying that he won’t ask because I will probably disappoint him.
I just asked one more time what is it and with no further pressure he goes on saying that he wants me to lend him about 50 dollars.
He doesn’t even know me and he asks for money… you probably think, oh you’re not stupid and said no. But surprise, surprise. J didn’t. I said I’ll look into it and didn’t say much but that turned me off so bad that I can’t even text W/him now. I was disgusted to say the least.
The thing I am mostly baffled about is why on hell I am considering giving him that money (I know he won’t return it) and after that to disappear from his life.
Why I couldn’t just say no, and say bye straight away? Am I that damaged? What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t love him, and now I don’t even like him but still I’m going to give him the money.
Does anybody understand me? please, I will be very much grateful for any insight.
Dear girl or woman,
To the eagle eye and the trained ear, this letter is a horror story. There is so much to unpack that it will take a lifetime to get through it all. I will do my best to tackle the major themes.
You titled the letter “Am I too damaged or too kind”. This is indicative of the fact that you have some unresolved trauma in your life, for this is how you refer to yourself firstly: damaged. It is not an ordinary way to refer to oneself unless, of course, there is a reason to.
This individual informed you, as best and as lightly as he could, the issues in his life. He is a gambler, he is divorced, and he is now dealing with CPS. Upon further review, we also learn he is not dependable, since he is late to drop off his daughter to her mother at least a few times. At this point anyone ordinary would ask what the reason for his tardiness was in returning his daughter, and if there is nothing wrong, why is he not communicating with his ex to inform her he is running late? But this is just us, basic common mortals.
We also learn -in just a few days for you- and in the third paragraph for us, he is unemployed and in need of money. Now my question to him would be: why are you looking for a date instead of a job?
However, because this letter is written to address your concerns and not his, my next question is for you: why would you say “whatever” to the alarm going off in your head? If he were indeed sharing his concern, you would not hear an alarm, right?
I have no doubt he is a crook. And he knows he found the perfect “fool”, because that is all you are going to be if you send him this money. See, he set you up well. He is probably a good listener, and you most likely shared with him more than you should have, as many women online have the tendency to do. Somewhere in your conversation you must have let out that you are a people pleaser. You did that either voluntarily or involuntarily. That is why he set up his game with “I will not ask because you will probably disappoint me”. First, who stays on the phone after someone says something like that to us, especially after we just met? He then asks for $50.00. Now, can someone please explain to me, what kind of lawyer has a retaining fee of $50.00? Because supposedly he needs this money to help fight for custody rights, right?
You then state his request turned you off. I apologize since it actually disgusted you. Yet, you are still sending him the money. Please do not.
The best thing to do is to invest that money in you. It is evident you have been through a lot. Otherwise, this would not even be a conversation. Look for a therapist in your city and take the time to care for yourself before you venture out online. Failure to do so will result in you being traumatized further. Online dating is not kind on anyone. It is vicious. You may find yourself in a bigger problem than you can handle. Your priority now should be healing, and not dating. Always remember, we attract who we are.
I wish you much healing.
References
https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/600013-am-i-too-damaged-or-too-kind/#comments
