I have nowhere else to go.
Every time my boyfriend (of almost 3 years) travels, he goes MIA and it’s really beginning to take a toll on me emotionally. He went to a wedding this past weekend as a groomsman (that I was originally invited to, and then uninvited due to COVID downsizing) and I was already feeling bad about it. He booked his trip from Thursday to Monday night (tonight) so it was by no means a quick trip either.
As soon as he’s around his friends and starts drinking, he becomes a different person who parties late into the night and doesn’t communicate. I’m not expecting back and forth conversations, but a call or text while he’s there would be respectful. I left to visit a friend myself before his trip so I was occupied this weekend, and he texted me 5-6 times just over the course of my travel and making sure I arrived at my friends place. But then he gets on his own flight the next morning for the wedding and poof, he’s MIA.
I’ve never thought to leave him hanging or not communicate – it just doesn’t make sense in my head to do that to someone I love. I called him once yesterday to see how the wedding went and let him know I was back home to our apartment. No reply. I texted him this morning to see when his flight was today. No answer. I’m not reaching out again.
Why do people act like this? It’s only whenever he’s with friends out of town. Then he comes home and acts like nothing happened and is lovey dovey – and “forgot to look at his phone.”
Another time he went to a music festival with friends out of town and was supposed to fly home on Sunday – he ended up staying an extra day/changing his flight and didn’t tell me, so I wondered where he was all night and into the next morning – this was the worst time it’s happened and I thought we worked through it then.
My trust and patience can only take me so far. Is this worth breaking up over, or am I being unreasonable?
ANSWER
Dear Girlfriend of MIA Boyfriend,
I read your letter and wanted to send you my two cents since many people find themselves in your shoes. Blurry boundary lines often lead to your current address. What you will, now, need to figure out is how much longer you are willing to be walked all over on?
In your letter you state:
1) Every time he travels he is MIA. This means he has tested your boundaries and realized you have none, therefore he can do that every time.
2) As soon as he’s around his friends and starts drinking, he becomes a different person who parties late into the night and doesn’t communicate. You are somehow laying blame on his friends, alcohol and not him. He is an adult, so if he wants to communicate with you, regardless of what his friends are doing, he would have done so.
3) It’s only whenever he’s with friends out of town. How do you know he is with his friends when he is out of town? He is not communicating, so there is no way for you to verify.
4) Then he comes home and acts like nothing happened and is lovey dovey. He is not the one who acts like nothing happened. You are. That is why he repeats the behavior. I don’t think you ever sat him down the first time this happened and informed him what he did was wrong, why it was and how it will not be tolerated. I do not believe you clarified what your expectations in the relationship are.
5) He forgot to look at his phone. Anyone who would accept this as an excuse in 2021 is doomed from the start. I mean, the level of stupidity in the excuse is dumbfounding. People check their phones in the middle of a meeting, while they are in the restroom, driving, eating, watching a movie in the theater, and he thinks any adult will buy the fact that he was disconnected form his phone for an entire weekend?
What you must ask of yourself is why are you letting him play you like a fool. All the signs that you are dealing with a dishonest person are there, and no: deceitfulness is not a wrong reason to break up with someone.
The foundation of a relationship sets the tone for how things will be in the future. When you accepted that lame excuse the first time, you condoned the behavior to be repeated. In fact, he repeated it for three years in a row, and you allowed it. Unfortunately, if you decide to stay in this relationship you need to accept this is who he is. The good news is you do not have to. You can leave here, learn and not repeat this pattern of accepting what others give you rather than asking for what you deserve. Know your worth and the rest will follow.
Best of luck
